This week, Russell Wilson stated in a Rolling Stone interview that he believes Reliant Recovery Water cured him of a concussion. This is so insane that it has forced the NFL to change their tune about head injuries. See the letter from Roger Goodell below.
The NFL officially reverses our stance on concussions. They are dangerous, and have serious effects on our players.
I realize this is a huge reversal. But Russell Wilson got hit in the head and publicly stated that he believes bubbly water cured him of a concussion. This is so batshit insane we are left with no choice but to confront the reality of the situation. Head injuries negatively affect our players, and Russell Wilson has forced us to stop ignoring this tragedy.
At first we thought that Wilson claimed the water cured him because he was an investor in Reliant Recovery Water. Making false medical claims about a product you’re endorsing isn’t a “nice” thing to do, but it isn’t insane. We all want to make money. Listen, I know that better than anyone.
But it became apparent that Wilson really believes that Reliant Recovery Water has magical properties. Rather than let this PR nightmare blow over, he voluntarily Tweeted a reiteration of his stance: “I believe Recovery Water helped prevent me from getting a concussion based on a bad hit. #nanobubbles” Hashtag nannobubbles.
At this point, I called in Russell for a meeting. Here’s a transcript.
Me: So, Russell, just between you and me, this Recovery Water thing is about money right?
Wilson: Oh no, sir! The magic bubbles healed my head!
Me: How does that work?
Wilson: The little magic bubble men in the water enter my brain cavity and sweep away all the bad concussion germs! I think they should make a Pixar movie about it. Aren’t Pixar movies the best? Just the best.
Me: Ok. Great. Hey, do you really believe that God told you to wait to have sex with Ciara until you were married?
Wilson: God whispered it in my ear on the team bus when I was sleeping.
Me: Ok. Ok, thanks a lot Russell. You can go now.
Russell: You know Mr. Goodell, you have to handle things the right way. So I just want to tell the truth.
That’s the moment I truly realized that concussions ruin lives. The facts were staring me right in the face. The second most marketable quarterback in the NFL has been hit in the head so many times that he thinks seltzer cures concussions. As I mentioned before, I’m a money-oriented man. And I can’t lose any more players to tragic head injuries. What’s next? Peyton Manning takes a hit and then Tweets that Red Bull gives him wings, literally? No. Not on my watch.
I know I must do something. Head injuries are real and devastating. The thing is, I just looked into making football safer for players, but it’s really expensive and will make football a lot lamer. Instead, I’m banning all NFL players from drinking anything but water. Ever. Oh wait, Gatorade’s not going to like that. You know what? Wilson’s fine. Who are we to question his beliefs? And maybe he’s right- he is very good at football.