The Coop, The Dust and The Warlock
What would happen if Anderson Cooper, Dustin Hoffman and Charlie Sheen went on vacation together: A Short Story by Free Weezy
The Coop, The Dust and The Warlock arrived simultaneously on the Polynesian Island of Tempoy. The Coop in his CNN helicopter, The Dust in a private plane and the Warlock via the speed boat from the bitchin Faceoff finale.
The three men look at each other and nod signaling a recognition of their individual awesomeness. The Coop was the first to speak but the Dust was the first to complain.
Coop: Well guys I think we should…
Dust: Bugs!!!! there are bugs everywhere!!!
Warlock: You see them too? Finally! I told them, I told them but nobody believed me (the Warlock embraces the Dust for he has finally found his Tonto)
Coop: Do you hear that? (He puts his ear to the ground) It sounds like people in trouble.(Gets up and looks off into the distance) I must go to them. (The Coop takes off- running to the Polynesian people in the center of town. The Dust who is still being bear hugged by the now crying Warlock pulls out his phone and calls a limo to pick them up)
By the time the limo arrives to the center of town the Coop has already saved most of the native people from their sinking ships and is now teaching them to read.
Dust: What happened here?
Coop: Tsunami! It hit pretty hard, the devastation is unbelievable we must get this boy medical attention (he holds up a dying boy that has magically appeared in his arms)
Warlock: Do you think this island has a McDonald’s?
Dust: Put him in limo!
The Coop, The Dust and The Warlock jump in the limo with the boy and arrive at the hospital
Coop: (walks up to the nurse at the counter cradling the boy) WE NEED DOCTOR
Warlock: Yeah lemme get a super Warlock size fries and a Big Mac with some Coke and a small Pepsi
Coop: NO! NO! DOCTOR! WE NEED DOCTOR!
Nurse: The doctor….he die in quake….no doctor
Coop: Then i will have to preform emergency surgery myself (To the nurse)Prepare the operating room stat
Warlock: Rock and Roll!
The Coop, The Dust and The Warlock dress in green scrubs and put on surgicalmasks. They gather around an operating table where the boy is laying.
Nurse: No… no scalpel
Warlock: Here use this (he hands him a Swiss Army knife subtly but prominently covered in blood and some long blond hair)
Dust: (whispering to Coop) Think about what you’re doing here man. You don’t have to this….
Coop: IF I DON’T DO THIS THEN THIS KID DIES
Warlock: What’s the problem? I mean what’s the deal? (lights a cigarette while talking) you just… operate… its not rocket science (sighs) Jews…
Dust: (very close to Coop’s ear) Just put the knife down ok? (long ass pause)If you think I’m crazy do the surgery!If you think I’m lying do the surgery! but don’t do it just because this nut is telling you to do it!
Warlock: (Now at his other ear) You only have one option here man and YOU KNOW IT!
Dust: (whispering) come on put the knife down. Just put it down- we will help him- he’ll be fine just put the knife down!
(Coop lowers the knife a little)
Warlock: What are you doing man! You’re a space cowboy, ranger danger, rogerdodger RoboCop, astroglide monkey machine- Don’t listen to this guy!
Dust: (Outraged) You’re gonna listen to this guy?!!!!!!!!
Coop: SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU- GET OUT!
Both The Dust and The Warlock: But….
The Dust and the Warlock leave and while they are exiting Sean Penn and Alan “AlDog” Alda are entering the operating room
The Penn: Gentlemen, help has arrived!
Al Dog: Let’s Rock and Roll!
Outside the operating room
Warlock: Way to go getting us thrown out of that bitchin operating room and ruining my chance to finally save a life instead of ruining it.
Dust: Stop saying bitchin it’s misogynistic
Warlock: (looks confused and wounded) Has it come to this Tonto? Has it come to this? How…… from where we started…. did we end up here? (cries uncontrollably)
Dust: (feeling bad hugs the Warlock) It’s OK I’m sorry… i guess I overreacted
Warlock: (sniffs his nose… not because he had been crying but because of the cocaine he just snorted off the Dust’s shoulder)
Dust: That was just dandruff you know?
Warlock: (looks up like a puppy dog) I realize that
Out of the operating room comes the Coop, the Penn, and Al Dog
Al Dog: Well, it looks like all my MASH training paid off, that boy is good as new!
Dust: That’s great news!
Penn: Yeah all in a days work. So what do you guys want to now?
Warlock: Hookers and Blow???
Everyone else simultaneously says: OH CHARLIE!!!