New Alliance Will Forever Change Travel In America
(CHN): Greyhound Bus Lines has signed a 10 year agreement with
America's most miserable Airline in hopes of securing a near total
monopoly in the torture/travel segment. "It's a niche industry,
probably not for everyone," admitted Greyhound CEO Dave Leach. "We focus
our marketing on the vehicle impaired, those with no desire to travel
at reasonable speed, and recently released convicted felons."
The business model was a clear match for United Airlines who released the following statement via PR Newswire:
have been fascinated by Greyhounds business model for years, clearly
nobody has ever enjoyed a trip on a Greyhound Bus, to a Greyhound
Station, or the experience of cleaning the gum and urine off their
clothes when completing a trip. Yet somehow they keep those buses full
of angry travelers every day".
-United Airlines President Glenn F. Tilton
Airlines specializes in pushing their customers to the edge of human
sanity by bumping confirmed ticket holders and overbooking flights
often by over 20%. "I get asked all the time why we overbook the
flights by such a high margin" remarked Tilton. "That's a trade secret
but I'll give you a hint: We hate our customers and sort of don't give
expected to replace United's local value service dubbed "Ted" which
folded in early 2009 because of 'high fuel costs'. Tilton told UAL
board members that "If all goes well you will see Greyhound buses at
every major airport that we service; the expected increase in suicides
by our customers should make our current overbooking percentage right
on the money, so were are going to the raise the stakes and just double
book every seat we sell" concluded Tilton.
Greyhound has been
spurred on by low cost travelers who are not concerned with Swine Flu
contraction, smells, or personal comfort. A nationwide Media blitz set
to run next week ups the ante by reporting the fact that not one person
has been murdered on a Greyhound Bus in the past 60 days.
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