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Published July 31, 2008 More Info »
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Published July 31, 2008

OLYMPIC HOPEFULS

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HOPSKOTCH

The United States Hopskotch Association of America (USHAofA) is hoppy to announce a hopeful hopful for the Hopskotch Men’s Singles Aluminum Medal as John “Grasshopper” Armstrong.  Armstrong wears a green uniform, including shoes, socks, jockstrap, and headband. And shirt and shorts, sometimes, of course.  “Grasshopper” chews and spits tobacco while hopskotching, and has been known to use a genuine imitation green ruby as his “tossing rock”.

"Everything is hopping along," says Hopskotch Mixed Doubles Olympic hopeful Bernie "Bunny" Mazurky.  "At first the whole team was a little jumpy, but after warming up we're all very hoppy.   And skotchy.   Hopskotchy we call it."   Mazurky is the grandson of Olympic BINGO champion Steve Mazurky, famed "steroid-king" of the BINGO world.

Coaching the Hopskotch team is Luke Warm, 2-time Aluminum Medal Champion in the Men's Singles Hopskotch Event.  Warm keeps the team focused with cross-training that includes drinking large quantities of espresso and playing games of Twister while blindfolded.

“It’s time we dethrone the Scottish Hopskotch Team dynasty.  Just ‘cause the sport has the name “skotch” in it doesn’t mean they get to win every four @#$!ing years!” Thanks Coach, now go get us some ALUMINUM!

 

DOUBLE-DUTCH JUMP ROPE EVENT

The Double-dutch team was the biggest Olympic hopeful of all (lesser-known) sports until they contracted poison ivy. The team has been banned from Olympic competition and was last seen scratching and cussing in the parking lot.

 

PLAYGROUND BIATHLON; POGOSTICK & SLINGSHOT

A coveted sport amongst playground enthusiasts, the Playground Biathlon is a hearty mimic of the better known Ski & Shoot.  The Pogo & Sling will no doubt turn heads this Olympic season, especially in the Extreme Competition.

Coach Melissa “Pogo-sling” Crotchatorria has the team cross-training by jumping on a mini-trampoline while using a jackhammer.  “It helps them prepare for the intense nuances involved in this sport.  And I get a new driveway, too.”

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