Bradley Cooper is a very handsome man in person. We were f*** buddies of sorts; now solely BFFs due to his girlfriend’s disapproval. In the future, I hope to interview him for Funny Or Die. But, alas, for now, I’ll share my Q&A with Bradley White, the guy in THAT Jennifer Aniston movie, aka. the only man who’s ever co-starred with her and doesn’t hide his face beneath a paper lunch sack. BY NICOLE RUSSIN

bradley white 1.jpg

His credits go as far back as Miami Vice and Dynasty. Which is why he’s now waiting tables between gigs and prostituting. Hey, life DOES imitate art! Mr. Bradley loves American Gigolo.

I’d like a chai latte with soy milk. How long have you been waiting tables here at The Ivy?

Since before there was soy milk!

I don’t think so. I was promised an interview with “Bradley, the actor.” You sir, are not Bradley Cooper. Where is he?

Sorry, he’s been in the bathroom for half an hour. I’ll go knock again.

OK, you’re an actor, I guess, albeit a bad one. I see your IMDB includes “Masters Of Sex.” How much do you charge? I’m looking for a good hooker on Saturday evening, between 6-6:30 pm. My budget is no more than $16, including your dinner and tip.

$16 will get you the tip. Of my finger.

Do you accept PayPal?

Wholeheartedly.

Fine. Hooker, perhaps not, but I somehow don’t buy that you aren’t at least making porn. IMDB listed you starring in “Lipstick Jungle.” And “Au Pair 3: Adventure in Paradise.” What tips do you have for Funny Or Die readers who want to avoid STDs at the workplace?

Wear a raincoat!

Oh, please. You get mad? You should prefer being confused for a sex industry worker over people knowing the truth: you were in a Jennifer Aniston movie. “The Object Of My Affection,” to be exact. What caused that lapse in judgement?

Bradley Cooper wasn’t available.

bradley white 2.jpg

Bradley White looks nothing like Bradley Cooper, but he gets cast when Cooper wants too much money. Cooper’s going rate is in the big digits. White takes $6 an hour. Talk about budgeting!

This is great. Almost like the time someone promised me “Leonardo; I know you’re a big fan!” I thought DiCaprio, got all excited, skipped to my loo and put on my best makeup. Who stood there? Leonardo Mayer, the dorky Argentinean tennis player. I wish that weren’t a true story. How can I better clarify which leading movie star I’m seeking to meet instead of you losers? First Leonardo Mayer; now you.

You’ll think this is a bit, but he’s in the loo with Cooper right now.

I’m still holding out for my Bradley Cooper appointment. You better leave now so he won’t think I’m dating you. I hook up with everyone. Except you, since you don’t have an Oscar nomination.

You’re welcome. Can I get you another “latte?” Maybe with an umbrella in it?

ABOUT US:

bradley white.jpg

Bradley is on a new show called WEIGHT, in which he packs on 6,000 pounds by eating string cheese as he watches soap operas, cries and acts like a girl. He will be starring in the third Bridget Jones installment as Bridget. Yes, he fills in for actresses too.

BRADLEY WHITE is not Bradley Cooper. But he’s been on Dynasty,Lipstick Jungle, CSI: Miami and a bunch of shows you’re familiar with. He has a new online TV show called Weight. He’s pretty, however, he doesn’t have a website. :(

NICOLE RUSSIN owns an e-magazine and official website. She does a bunch of cool stuff. Go get her 99 cent cookbook on iTunes, chock full o’ good recipes!

nicole 11.JPG

Nicole Russin is really not green in person.

Advertisement