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May 19, 2015

Thomas Edison's Rejected Inventions

United States Patent and Trademark Office,

I write to you today seeking the exclusive intellectual rights of four new items my laboratory has produced. These contributions will surely change the way we live now and forever. A swift response would be most appreciated. Plans for mass distributions are to be set in motion at the end of the year, but our plans hinge on a timely response.


How often does one find himself at an upscale function unsure of which fork to use during meal time? If you are anything like myself that is every dinner, even the ones where I eat alone. Fret no more with the Fooooooooooooork. You may be asking yourself what is the difference between a fork and the Fooooooooooork. Also, “Do I really have to pronounce it out that long?” The answer to your second question, yes! The answer to your first question is that a fork is really contained to a single inconvenient size. The Foooooooooork can be extended to various lengths depending on the meal. Shrimp appetizers? Use the Foooooooork at its lowest length. Salad? Simply extend the Fooooooork with a gentle tug. Tug again when the entree is served. At its highest setting the Foooooooork can be pulled out to 1 meter! Perfect for pilfering off a neighbor’s plate or satiating an out of reach itch.


Drawing inspiration from the Fooooooooooooork and a humiliating experience I endured at the supermarket, I drew up a hat to remedy a major male issue. The Diqhed is designed to spare gentlemen of all ages from the familiar embarrassment of spontaneous public erections. The hat can be worn in resting mode during times of flaccidity and pairs well with both casual and formal attire. Then, when an inopportune rush of blood strikes, a quick flick of the brim releases springs in the Diqhed. The hat’s body elongates four times its resting size. So large and magnificent, any persons in the presence of the Diqhed will be captivated. All gaze will fall upon the possessor’s head and away from his perky loins.


To me there is nothing more dreadful than the dry conversation that follows bumping into an old acquaintance. They drone on as I silently pray to myself the earth would open up and swallow them whole. But as a man of science I know that I can’t always depend on a natural disaster to save me from the dull and stodgy. Taking note from perhaps the most clever inhabitant of the sea, the octopus, I have devised the Inkaway! The Inkaway is a small bag of actual octopus ink that fits snugly in the breast pocket. The prehensile straw may be pointed in any direction, ready for any impending attacks on your time. Then when accosted with another mundane conversation about how “It’s hot but it’s a dry heat”, the benefits of coconut oil, or photographs of children you aren’t even related to, you can just Inkaway! A firm pat on your breast launches the pouch contents through the straw and directly into the eyes of your deserving victim. While they rub the harmless ink from their face you are free to slink away to the comfort of anywhere else on the planet.


This last product I have the utmost confidence will replace aspirin as America’s number one headache remedy; attacking headaches at the source in lieu of making them just bearable. At first sign of headache, unwrap the Thatsbetta Ball and gently run it under tepid water. Once properly moistened make sure to lay out the two straps and check for knots. Once working order has been established the ball may be placed directly into your wife’s mouth. Snugly tie the straps around her head and resume your day headache free. The absorbent ball will ensure she remains silent and hydrated. Works equally as well on inlaws and children!

Imagine a world where headaches are a distant memory and a man may stroll through the produce section stress-free. Ah, wonderful isn’t it? I do thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.


Thomas A. Edison