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October 15, 2015

Hey Jose Bautista, Your Bat Flip Hit My Mother And I'm Pissed

Hey Jose Bautista,

How dare you?! That bat you flipped last night hit my mother and now I’m freaking pissed!

My mom is standing right out of frame there and I demand you apologize to her!

I mean, I get the enthusiasm. Your three-run home run in the seventh inning of the ALDS last night not only won the Blue Jays a spot in the AL Championship Series. It also capped off the most insane inning in Postseason history. But, dude, you threw a bat and it hit my mom. At least ACT like you care.

I’m sure your first reaction is to ask why my mom was standing in front of the visiting team’s dugout during the final game of a huge postseason series. Especially since she lives in Cincinnati and, to my knowledge, doesn’t own a passport.

Well, she’s a baseball fan, Jose! Girls can like baseball just as much as boys! It’s 2015!

Also, she’s a very smart, charming woman and was able to easily dupe every gullible Canadian doofus she encountered from the border all the way down to the seats behind the dugout at the Rogers Centre. She didn’t even have a ticket to the game! And yes, despite loving baseball big time, she got bored with the game after the sixth inning and decided to take a walk, climbed over the the small fence by the on-deck circle, and slowly inched her way onto the turf. That’s when she turned toward home plate and was struck with a spinning chunk of wood flying from your guilty hands. What’s more, no one noticed because they were all watching you! But that’s how you like it, isn’t Jose? All the attention on you.

Now, don’t mistake me for one of those old codgers who believes in the outdated “unwritten rules of baseball” code. In fact, I LOVE bat flips! Have you seen this one?

This kid GETS baseball. Way more than any fan or player I’ve ever met. But you know what else he gets? SAFETY. He gets that a mother was within flip range so he made sure to chuck that bat a safe distance away from the woman standing close to him. A woman who, I’m assuming, GAVE LIFE TO A FELLOW HUMAN. And the safety of not only my mother but mothers everywhere is something you openly scoffed at last night, all so you could add a little more value to your personal brand, huh? That’s how you glory boys get your jollies though, so I can’t say I’m surprised.

And now, my mom is injured. You broke her leg and she’s in a wheelchair. And she’s sad. And she doesn’t like baseball anymore. Are you happy?

So here’s how we make this right: You’re going to let my mom flip a bat at you. As hard as she wants. At anywhere on your body that she wants. It’s only fair.

And while we’re at it:

Dear Chase Utley,

That helmet flew off your big old head and hit my mom and I’m pissed at you too!

I demand you let my mom slide into your leg as hard as she can.