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Stats & Data

October 12, 2008


Somewhere in the U.S. a bird flies smack into a tree.
One minute it’s “weee, I can feel the wind in my feathers” and the next it’s “what the pluck?”
A researcher happens upon the wobbly bird and says, “Oh no! Bird flu?”
Scientists descend on the area and a timber company is prevented from doing it’s chop-chop show for weeks.
When the timber company’s quarterly earnings come out, it posts a loss on account of the bird brouhaha.
Wall Street hears this obscure timber company had a bad quarter and the Dow plunges 700 points. “The wood industry is tanking,” red-faced men cry with much tearing of the hair. “And now rogue birds are on the attack.”
The government then gathers for an emergency all-night session to figure out a bailout of timber companies, anyone who has ever climbed a tree and all people with bird phobias. There is a huge tug-of-war over whether to include folks who are allergic to bird feathers in their pillows. It’s narrowly defeated.
“Problem solved,” lawmakers declare. “And it only cost the American taxpayers $1 trillion.”
The next day, the Dow plunges 900 points, because sometimes it takes 24 hours for “stupid” to really sink in.
Lawmakers go on TV and yelp, “This is all because we didn’t include the pillows.”
There is, coincidentally, a surge in reports of regular folks’ brains exploding.
The bird, you’ll be happy to know, is fine.