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October 30, 2011

This month I went on holiday and well didnt really like it

As I sit in my 4 star hotel with a 10 foot walk to the pool in Mallorca overlooking the Balearic ( I think) sea. I discover neither me or my misuses is not built for this .The whole typical Spanish , relaxing full of holiday makers holiday is just not in either of us because well the misuses she just has to always be doing something she cant just sit and sunbathe.Me well to be honest i'm lost without that wonderful window full of the world knowledge that I mainly use to watch tv shows that is the internet. No youtube ,no twitter and no Facebook to oppinuate  myself threw.Not that I didn't have access but when its just an Ipod touch on a shitty Wi-fi connection that the slow ass turtles at the hotel pond could put to shame it becomes to frustrating . 

Not that I couldn't speak to some of the guests but I said to myself a few years ago that I know enough people already and unless you're extremely nice or interesting I have no need to know you which the guests at this hotel were none of. While I speak about the guests at the hotel lets dispel a myth. The British are not the ruddiest people on holiday far from it .The British were the nicest I spoke to ,well the only people who said hello,sorry,thank you and please in any language. The rudest were the Spanish .Eg. We went to the caves of drach yea that one they went to on coach trip.It was really cool all this natural formed rock and at the end you sat in an amphitheatre in these caves and a four piece classical band go by on a boat and play the works of some brilliant composers(no i cant remember who they were and here comes why).There were two Spanish couples sat in front of us who continued to talk on and off quite loudly threw the wholes half hour we were sat their despite being continuously shhhhd and me Even tapping on one of there shoulders to given that look of "if you talk again I will rip out your tongue and make you lick your own arse hole.

And the Germans i think they forget people can generally tell what you're talking about especially me who only dropped german in fit year.so if you wish to make fun of my sunburn with your friend make sure that you're not doing it across our little balcony while am sitting in it and you glance at me now and again while sniggering .Just Go die already you rude little id tie you too the bed and leave you there naked fat bitch .

No, I do not claim that these countries don't have nice people its just I wasn't on holiday with them . I got the dicks

I have got just a few more points and thoughts on people when there on holiday so I have decide to make them bullet points .

1. Why is it never the women with good looking tits that get them out on holiday .Its always the fat ugly 40+ woman that when they stand up there tits look like to pendulums from Grandfather clocks,so mesmerising you cant look away you into a hypnotic trance .Maybe thats just to take your mind away from the fact they look like old leather thanks to the fact you've just lay on a sun bed and done nothing for four days.

2. Men if your overweight (just like myself) put your tits and belly away unless going into a pool or the sea its just not a good sight for anyone just look in the mirror and if your happy well theres something wrong with you.But then this is a catch 22 as you have to already think your fat to let your mind know that this rule applies to you .So there you go a recipe for a paradox

3.If you have a child jut because your on holiday doesn't mean you have no parenting duties If your child starts to bully another (i must admit the bully child seemed to be the only child having fun at all)You still have to deal with them 'and look after them if you don't who will.Will your child be the next Madelin McCann because she disappeared threw her parents negligence( If you have a problem with this please email junior_upya@hotmail.com and i will use your view on next months blog them shoot it down because i have very strong opinions on this .Which brings me on to my next point .

4. Don't let your child run around naked .The things that worry me here are you don't know who else is in the hotel I am not aware of any hotels theta doing screening process apart from taking the money out your bank account .Don't get me wrong I hope no harm come to their children but you just never know!

5.Funny hats should be left at festivals or at home.I saw i german guy knocking about with a well worn straw hat that made him look like a reject from the worzels(yea that "I got a brand new combine harvester" band) i'm sure he was a nice guy but i know if i went to speak to him i know i would only be able to laugh in his face while i sung the worzels.

6. If you have a child under 7 don't take them on a relaxing holiday in fact don't take them anywhere bar Disney world( Not Disney land .It's not a magical place it's a small shithole just do it properly) or just the great British caravan site like butlins or haven .As i child i was brought up on a stable diet of the £9.50 holidays from the sun newspaper and i had just as much fun there as i did the twice my mum took me to Spain in fact i would go as far to say i had more fun at butlins especially the year there was a bomb scare and everyone got evacuated from the building both upstairs kids hall and the lounge downstairs but we were only allowed back into the lounge so i got to see Cannon and Ball( if your too young google is your friend) 

Sadly that is not even the end there was also blandness that the blandest of bland person would find bland. I also injured the same fat 40 year old women doing what barely passed as water aerobics, Me with to much testosterone playing water polo and a knife thrower on a stage so small he couldn't stand more than 2 feet away from were he was landing them.

So what have we learnt 

1. Fat ugly old women keep your pendulums tied up !

2.Funny hats are to be left at festivals !

3.If you have a child it means YOU HAVE A CHILD!!! You are still responsible for its well being and what it does!

4.Last but not least if your anything like me don't go to a typical holiday resort there a far too many people that piss you off !!!!

Until next time goodbye.One last thing I am doing a gig on the 10th of november at 20rocks details like who is on and ticket prices are tbc all I know right now is its called "Don't drop the mic" So see you there.