Jakarta, INDONESIA- As the world struggles to come to grips with the motives behind the rash of recent shootings and bombings blamed on ISIS, recent photographic evidence has surfaced indicating that much of the anger stems from the ever-diminishing quality of Adam Sandler films, once beloved across the Middle East.
According to experts, ISIS fighters across Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan have been uniting over their mutual hatred of movies such as ‘50 First Dates’ and ‘Click’, using these films as rationalization for committing atrocities such as beheadings and kidnappings. These new developments have reignited talk about proposing legislation prohibiting Sandler from producing any further movies.When reports of ISIS terrorist activity first came to light, military officials and analysts struggled to explain how an unorganized group of radicals were able to come together and recruit fighters from over all over the world including NorthAmerica.
While militant Islamic ideologies have solidified their beliefs, it is now known that the main unifying factor is the ire they hold for Sandler, feelings shared by a growing number of disenfranchised millennials across the New World forced to endure theSandler onslaught. Many of these young people can’t remember a time when their lives weren’t negatively affected by the prolific ex SNL actor.
“I had aboot all I could take”, says Scott Al-Ramadi bin Ali, a 20 year-old Canadian citizen caught trying to fly to Syria to join the Islamic State.“I started hating Sandler movies about the time ‘I Pronounce You Chuck and Larry’ came oot. I tried to keep it together eh, but every year a new Happy Madison picture would come oot I’d get more and more irate. Finally, ‘Grown Ups 2’ was released and I knew it was time to pick up arms with ISIS.” A growing number of stories like these confirm fears that the ranks of ISIS will continue to grow so long as Adam Sandler is allowed to make pictures.
Additional data concludes that since the release of ‘50 First Dates’ back in 2004, the number of killings blamed on the Islamic State has grown exponentially and many agree that if these trends continue, ISIS will be “straight fuckin’ shit up” before long.
Osama bin Laden who, like many others in the Arab world, was enchanted with Sandler’s work on Saturday Night Live and with his early movies like ‘Happy Gilmore’, is said to have plotted the 9-11 attacks after a matinee viewing of ‘Little Nicky’ in early 2000. “I felt betrayed” said the Al Qaeda leader in a candid 2006 interview. “He was just mailing it in. I kept wanting to give him another chance but after a while it was evident that little to no thought goes into any of the shit that asshole puts out these days”.
As more violence spreads, Sandler has been unavailable for comment on his role in the proliferation of the Islamic State. With more Happy Madison projects scheduled for production, no one knows for sure how much carnage is in store for the world and leading many to ask whom the real terrorist really is. Only time will tell when this deadly tit for tat between ISIS and Sandler will cease and the world is able to breath again.