Disaster today in Miami as a research experiment went horribly awry during the third game of the NBA finals between LeBron James' Heat and the other team.
As part of a long-standing joint effort between the league and the New Jersey Center for Scientific Chicanery, a frozen specimen of a basketball referee from 1963 was thawed in preparation for yesterday's game as a ploy to, as one league official said, "Shut the NFL up for good."
Following the introduction and a few minutes to acclimate himself to the, as the subject put it, "forrest of negros," the unfrozen official called his first of three hundred and five traveling violations in the first quarter seconds after the Heat received the ball. Later in the period, he was heard instructing players during a timeout to "Stop running around like sissies and dribble the ball!"
After refusing to allow a LeBron James dunk late in the second half when the MVP picked up his dribble just over the half court line and fifteen steps later slammed it in some "smaller negro's" face, the recently thawed referee exclaimed that he was "tired of this overhand nonsense" and instructed James to "stay the fuck away from my wife."
When he stopped the game completely in the fourth quarter to personally instruct Dwayne Wade on how to make a proper bounce pass, the official had finally had enough of "everybody jumping around like gypsies" and, seeking solace from the horrible transformation that he had been witness to, turned a T-shirt gun on himself and ended his own life.
One league official who presided over dumping the body into the everglades remarked that "this was a tragedy of Greg Oden like proportions" and that game five between the two teams would feature "no referees at all."