Good morning, Shaw Middle School. This is VICE-Principal Martin and these are your morning announcements for April 10th.
A big announcement here: over the weekend, the Sagamon County School Board decided that Jason Whitaker will replace Principal West, who is retiring at the end of the year. Mr. Whitaker is a great choice. Just great. I know he’s going to do an absolutely fantastic job because, while an outside hire might not have put in years and years of passionate effort to try and improve this school, and may not have formed deep, meaningful relationships with the men and women who work in this community, they may have had parents with enough money to send them to an incredibly prestigious university. That’s going to be a big help to all of us. Everyone please join me in welcoming Mr. Whitaker to the Shaw family!
This entire week, during lunch, the Student Council is holding their annual Links of Love fundraiser. All proceeds will be donated to Action Against Hunger, which is incredibly important because, in this life, you can do everything right and still end up with nothing. You can wear the best suit, have the a great resume, and give the perfect interview, but lose it all because you went to Wichita State and that’s just not good enough to earn your dream. For $1, you can buy a link to the chain which, hopefully, will stretch around the cafeteria by the end of the week. Maybe we can give some poor soul out there just the tiniest fraction of what they deserve. MAYBE.
Congratulations to the Shaw Track Team, who took 2nd place out of 9 teams at their meet this past weekend! As Coach of the team (who cares about each of you more sincerely than any outsider ever will), I’ve never been prouder. Although, 2nd place, as it turns out, is about as good as 9th when it comes to your happiness. In fact, from now on, I’d like you all to start calling me VICE-Coach Martin. Yeah, VICE-Coach, that sounds much more my speed. You can call me “Coach” again once I adjust my “temperament” (whatever the hell that means). Congratulations, track.
And, finally, before we head to summer, we’ve got the Spring Social! There will be dancing, snacks, and games, with tickets on sale before school in the lobby. Before attending, remember that friends don’t matter. Those “buddies” who you’ve done so much for over the years, who said they’d be there for you if ever you needed a favor, who said putting yourself out there would be a “great idea,” will disappear the moment you actually need them. These “pals” tell you they’re excited for snacks and dancing after school, but as soon as you walk into the gym, they’ll start saying “I don’t know if the position’s right for you,” and “this guys credentials are hard to ignore.” That’s bullshit, right?! I’m just saying - you think you know a guy until it’s time for the social, then everything changes. Be careful.
Ok, well, I see the security guard is trying to open my office door. He probably should have just sent the VICE-security guard, since, in the eyes of the goddamn school board, I’m about as significant as a pile of useless garbage. Anyway, have a great Monday, kids; it’s fucking Chicken Patty day.