KANYE WEST BUYS WEST VIRGINIA
37th most populous state now the property of Yeezy
CHARLESTON, WV – Now, we ain’t sayin’ he’s a gold digger, but the state colors of West Virginia are old gold and blue, and the state fruit is the golden delicious apple.
In a developing business transaction that is being described as “off the hizzy”, rapper Kanye West has purchased all 24, 230 square miles that make up the state of West Virginia. That’s a lot of land. Now, Maryland, we’re really happy for you, and we’re gonna let you finish, but West Virginia is one of the biggest states of all time! Of all time! (At last check, it cracked the top 41.)
The iconoclastic Kanye West, who enjoys wearing sunglasses, decided to purchase the state of West Virginia on a concert tour last year, where he was forced to visit the place. West did a little research on the place and after realizing that he single-handedly made more money on that tour than the entire state did in the year 2009, he opted to buy the entire property to save it from further redundancy. Said West, “They’s some broke-ass people that I just wanna show a good time to.”
Surprisingly, though, West Virginia is one of the few states that has actually grown economically since the start of the recession. Per capita income is on the rise, and the yearly GDP growth is one of the strongest in the country. So if the state is currently going through such a positive transition, why the need for the buyout?
“Because, man,” said Kanye. “West Virginia is mad boring. Nobody there ever has any fun. Have you ever heard anybody ever say, “I’m going to West Virginia for vacation?” No, man, you haven’t. Because they haven’t said that, ever.”
“You see, I found it almost embarrassing to have to share a name with a place that laissez-faire, not to mention that in turn it insults “Batman” star Adam West, not to mention early screen LEGEND Mae West, so shit man, it’s time to get your act together and get the party started!”
Plans are already underway to make the state a more exciting, thriving place. To boost the economy further, people will now have to pay $45 dollars to get in, and 12 hours a day the state will now be glow-in-the-dark.
Adds West, “Currently, West Virginia’s chief export is coal, but I predict that by the year 2014, it will be fun times and fine-ass bitches.”
Incumbent Governor Earl Ray Tomblin handed Mr. West the key to the state early this morning. “Here,” he said apathetically. He predicts his life will not be changed much by the transaction as he hardly did anything all day before anyway.
Kanye insists that his intentions are pure, though, despite all the grief he’s given the state. He wants to improve West Virginia’s image, for its own sake, in the hopes of getting the Mountain State more recognition (as well as booty).
“West Virginia had to grow up in the shadow of Virginia, which couldn’t been easy. You know that feeling of being ignored, being second-best at everything? I don’t know that feeling, personally, because I am number one at everything and everyone loves me, but you know what I’m getting at.”
Kanye also pointed out something that everyone has rather overlooked for centuries now: “West Virginia actually isn’t all that west. The only thing it is west of is Virginia. We can’t move Double-Ya-Vee because it’s land-locked, but we can make it seem west-er by making the other Virginia move further east. As a final send-off to the state we share a border with, that’s bullied us for so long, we are going to sneak out at night and chop off Virginia and push it into the Atlantic Ocean, making them more east and us way more west. The whole night will feature the music of – who else – underground hip-hop group Far Eat Movement.”
West is hoping other rappers follow the trend of buying a state in the hopes of turning more of the continental United States into economic hotspots with lots of swagger.
“Before this, I thought about buying Kentucky, renaming it Kentuckyeezy. I’m trying to convince Li’l Wayne to put his stamp on Little Rock , Arkansas, and Flo Rida, obviously, would buy Delaware.
Kanye is currently shopping options as well to make the state more eco-friendly. A significant portion of the state’s electricity still comes from coal, and no one mine should have all that power.
"Barack Obama doesn't care about these white people," he added, for reason at all.