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January 19, 2016

The women don't have anything to do so they get nasty towards a couple contestants.

We begin one of the most Mean Girls episodes of the Bachelor I’ve ever seen with sexy-baby-voiced-mom Amanda and Lauren B.land shit-talking Olivia. “Olivia said she spent like 40K on clothes… She’s not a nice girl [but] she knows how to contain it and not look bad in front of the cameras."None of you are containing it.

Lauren B.land’s Date

Lauren B. gets the first date. They drive to a biplane so Lauren essentially has to do her job as a flight attendant for their date. I scour the footage for a modicum of personality. “I’m so so so so so excited.” “I’m a planner.”“I just like really simple things” like her “dad’s lawn.”

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Lauren has to pretend she’s not pissed about what’s happening with her hair for half this date.

She wants to recreate the “strong-knit family environment” she grew up in. Ben asks why she hasn’t been “scooped up” already and she says she’s picky and wants someone like her dad. She’s extremely fixated on her dad and his lawn.

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Ben wears his V-card around his wrist.

They fly the plane over the Bachelor mansion to torture the girls not on dates. Lauren tells Ben, “I’m nervous, but it’s also like, relaxing.” I take it all back. Her depth knows no bounds.

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Olivia covers herself in a towel to avoid the love plane overhead.

Finally, they arrive in the middle of the desert where there is a hot tub waiting for them. This is reminiscent of Soules’ two-on-one desert date with Ashley and Sanderson-Poe’s-killer-Kelsey. Ben tells Lauren to change clothes behind the lone tree.

He tells her: “I spent a day with you today and not only did I get the gift of looking at you and laughing with you but just being with you.” Going to give people the gift of looking at me from now on.

Ben reflects: “This girl right now is changing me,” and I cannot possibly see how. The only thing I can fathom is she’s changing the location of blood in his body.

Group Soccer Date

In this week’s group date, the women are coached by soccer stars Alex Morgan and Kelly O'Hara in the LA Coliseum. Chris Harrison then joins them. Amber: “Every time you see Chris Harrison walking in, you always are like it’s either good news or bad news."GREAT CALL AMBER.

They then have to play each other to win time with Ben that night. Really surprised they held back and it’s not shirts and skins or something like this situation.

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Twin Emily: “losing isn’t even in our vocabulary tonight.” Just like a lot of words.

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I just really don’t like Lauren H.

Ben is flabbergasted that the women play so aggressively.

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They’re fighting to the death… over ME!? They can see this bracelet, right?

Unemployed Rachel injures herself and holds back tears but continues playing.

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I tore my ACL for this one-on-one moment Ben!!!

The Waldo team wins and they’re so happy they pile on top of each other. Shushanna clearly didn’t leave it all on the field as she carries injured Rachel back into the Bachelor mansion.

These women just won the World Cup three extra minutes each with delicate Ben!

At the more subtly aggressive portion of the night, the women all pick apart Olivia’s appearance from her bad breath to her toes. Jami relays this info back to her and Olivia tries to guess which body parts they mocked.

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What did they pick apart? My calves? My cankles? My outtie belly button? My different length thumbs? My unique knee shape?

Amber complains about not getting enough time again (drink). She tells Ben she’s grown a lot in the year and kisses him. After the kiss, she says, “thank you!” Thank you for bestowing this love totem on me. I’ve finally unlocked the Bachelor level I have been seeking to achieve for three seasons.

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Amber’s peak moment in her entire life.

Olivia takes this setback in stride though. She still knows Ben feels the same way because “when he got up he pushed off [her] leg.” He also did this to Jami (who goes home) – he just doesn’t have the core strength to get off a chair.

Ben sending secret signals to Olivia.

Jubilee’s Date

Jubilee has the best reaction of all time to getting a date card.


Jami: “Jubilee is being Awko-taco today.” Ben comes to pick up Jubilee and announces they’re riding in a helicopter.

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Becca didn’t know there could be a word as long as helicopter.

Jubilee is nervous about the helicopter and before they take off she jokes, “Does anyone else want to go on my date?”

The women are FURIOUS. “What are you talking about?” “Why would you even say that?” “That was like offensive to listen to.”

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Amber (on verge of tears): “I don’t know when the last time she actually went on a date was but kind of be respectful. Ben just planned you an amazing date and you’re going to pout about it?” Amber is the worst.

Even sweet Caila got in on the bitchy action: “I would be shocked if Jubilee came home tonight. I just feel very bad for Ben that he has to sit in the little box in the sky until it’s over.” She also has a very loose understanding of what a helicopter is.

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Jesus’ pick

Jubilee’s date is 1000x more interesting than Lauren B’s. She spits up the caviar. She says she’s not adventurous with food, although her go-to food is hot dogs which feels adventurous to me. She tells Ben, “I ain’t playing white boy”. His response:


Instagram: @BachelorClues

Jubilee admits that she’s heard about his non-whiteness, presumably that he’s got a big dick. In this date, Jubilee hits the Golden Bachelor Combo: a banging hot tub bod and the extremely sad story of her childhood.

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Sorry haters.

She explains her reluctance to return to Haiti is due to the death of her whole family. She points out that she is the last of her bloodline. Ben is loving her layers and gives her a rose.

Cocktail Party

When Jubilee returns with a rose, the shit-talking of her intensifies. In the bitchiest, most racist, most sexist statement of the night: Lauren H: “It’s insane to me. I couldn’t imagine having a life with my spouse not able to get along with other people… I know Ben wants to have a wife who will be friends with all the other soccer moms and set up play dates with their kids.”

I KNOW Ben and Ben wants a soccer mom. Jubilee can’t cut up oranges. Jubilee can’t drive a mini-van. Jubilee would think a play date should be at a strip club with a bunch of knives.

Ben announces that he just found out that a couple of his family friends passed away. The women all scramble to be his shoulder to cry on except for Olivia. Olivia grabs Ben, totally forgets his sad announcement, and spills what she’s been thinking about for twenty hours straight: “I hate my legs. People have written blogs that I have cankles.”

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The Bachelor lovingly provides us with this shot to determine for ourselves the canklage situation.

Jennifer: “What are you thinking about Jubes?” Jubilee: “I’m thinking about how to make him feel better.” Jennifer: “That’s a good thing to be thinking about.” Jennifer gives her approval of Jubilee’s thoughts.

Jubilee grabs Ben and gives him a massage, which the other girls freak out about due to her already having a rose. Jojo goads Jami into interrupting them.

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Jojo throwing Jami under the bus for her own kicks.

Amber champions the attack-on-Jubilee crusade. “It’s so disrespectful. It’s rude for everyone.”

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Jubilee listens to the girls shit-talk her in a secret vestibule.

Amber confronts Jubes: “Come! We want to talk to you. It’s a bunch of us. We have to.” Jubes: “I don’t want to have a girl chat.” Amber goes and tells the girls, “Apparently she doesn’t want to come to us so we have to go to HER.” As if Jubes requested that at all. Amber then tries to drag Jubes but Jubes demonstrates her war skills and shimmies out from under the blanket, running upstairs.

Amber finds Jubilee talking to Ben. Amber talks about Jubilee in the third person in front of her and tells her to stop crying. Amber explains to Ben, “she said a little comment like ‘does anyone else want this date?’ and a lot of girls were pissed about that. Why would she say that? It literally hurt a lot of girls.” Jubilee: “It was a joke! Ben knows it was a joke.” Amber: “When you said that you should be just grateful.”

You need to be fucking grateful for your date. I didn’t claw my way into a third season to be disrespected like that.

Ben barely recovers from Amber berating Jubilee in the bathroom before Lace drags him outside. She has a meltdown because she knows she’s going home. Caila eloquently called, “Lace reaching the end of her dynamite stick."Fuse? Lace tells Ben her tattoo says ‘you can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself’ and she needs to go home and figure that out first.

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Lace: I don’t know when I went wrong and stopped listening to my tattoos.

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We’re all so so so so so sorry that Lace left.

Rose Ceremony

Ben keeps Soccer-mom-Lauren-H., Sexy-baby-voiced-mom Amanda, Virginal Becca, Twin Haley, Twin Emily, Unemployed Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia.
Scenes from next week: Olivia has a panic attack in a cape. Ben confuses love and sex again: “Vegas and all its glory. It’s a place that people do find love."Bam Sha-Bam.

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