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February 17, 2015
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An attack on Purell and all of its lies.

An Open Letter to Purell Gradually Growing in Anger


PURELLĀ® Instant Hand Sanitizer Kills 99.99% of. Most Common Germs That May Cause Illness.

— https://www.gojo.com/~/media/GOJO/Countries/USA/Brands/PURELL/Files/Resources/PURELL_faq.pdf

It’s quotes like this that upset me. I trust you. I rely on you. I adore you. Purell, you are my savior. But…what about that .01%? What are you doing to keep me safe from that dastardly strange statistical germ that hides from your clear and gelatinous wrath? That .01% could kill me. It could kill children and women too. But what are you doing about it? Nothing. That’s right. You’re doing nothing. Because your special little cream–is it even a cream, what the fuck is it? a liquid…no way…a jello. that’s what it is. a jello–kills 99.99%. Ooh la la. Ladi fucking da. So that’s all it needs to do, right? You know, it’s quotes like that that really fucking piss me off. You’re content to let some of us die from that .01%. For all I know, that .01% is the deadliest 100th of a percent of the germ population out there. Maybe those little buggers that your magic elixir can’t touch are the deadliest buggers known to man. I should ask a fucking biologist. That’s what I should do. But I bet you won’t ask a biologist Mr. Sir. Knight. Grand. President. Purell. Because you’re the mighty Purell. 99.99% of anything is nothing. If Michael Jordan loses 99.99% of the talent he actually had than he would have been like, AT WORST, Kobe’s skill level. If he lost 100% than he wouldn’t even be playing basketball. See? See what I’m doing here? Analogies, asshole. The difference between 99.99% and 100% is astronomic! It’s everything. So get your shit together. Figure out a way to kill that .01% of germs. Somehow you geniuses figured out how to kill 99.99% of germs…but you can’t figure out how to kill just .01%. Start trying, or I’m ready to wage war. You and what army? you might ask. Me and the fucking .01% army. We’re coming for you–bitch. So get 99.99% of your shit in order.


Purell is the greatest liar known to man–greater than Clinton, and all those other liars too.

— One Angry Consumer
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