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August 15, 2016
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What in the hell is a vape? Is it like a little, tiny hookah?

1) The Swag Squad shows up and sees what everyone did to the swag and one of ‘em blows his dang brains out with a t-shirt gun.

So the last episode ended with Maddisyn telling all the Tweens to tear their free t-shirts to shreds because now she thinks Tween Fest is a bunch of shallow baloney. Well, when The Swag Squad sees the mess those poor boys are just absolutely devastated.

Honestly, I feel for ‘em. The wife once tossed out the t-shirt I wore to Andrew Luck’s first pre-season game and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t consider taking my own life. But then again, my old man had just passed away and I wasn’t doing the best job handling my emotions.

Anyway, The Swag Squad goes on strike. They’ve got demands about having the crowd throw them swag or having the swag made in sweatshops that don’t complain as much, but Todd just ignores ‘em, which, let me tell you, is a BIG mistake. I didn’t listen to my employees when they told me that they wanted TGI Friday Potato Skins in the vending machine in the office and I paid for it. I paid for it BIG TIME.

2) A lawyer shows up and tells the kid who does the Family Guy voices that he can’t do the Family Guy voices anymore.

This was a big bummer for me because I was really looking forward to seeing if this kid could do a good Chris. If you ask me, Chris is the hardest Family Guy voice by a mile.

Honestly, I’m surprised that this kind of stuff doesn’t happen more often. I know for a fact that Hollywood does not like it when you start reaching into their pocket because a boy in Kaitlyn’s class got caught tormenting Ant-Man on one of the school computers. The movie company was gonna make his parents pay some crazy amount of money, but they let him get off with doing one of those PSA’s that run before the previews where the kids meet the blue collar guys who do the lights on movie sets and say sorry for stealing their money.

Anyway, Dusty tries to do some original characters.

But all those mean teens in the crowd start booing and the poor guy passes out! I think these kids put so much pressure on themselves with this internet stuff. I keep telling Kaitlyn that she should be having fun and trying new things, but she says that she needs to work on her brand? I’m not sure what that means, I just know that that she’s wearing cat ears all the time for some reason.

3) Some stand up comic gets on stage and I swear he’s not telling jokes, but all the teens are going nuts.

All this guy does is say “that feeling when,” then he says some common childhood experience, then he makes a funny face and these kids start cracking up like he’s Jeff Foxworthy or something.

And why are kids all obsessed with what they liked when they were little children. I mean, how in the heck can they be nostalgic for that stuff already? I’m surprised they even remember it. Kaitlyn went to the mall with her mom the other day and came home with a Spongehead Squareshorts backpack. She hasn’t watched that show in two years, but she says she got it because she loved it “when she was growing up" and I said to her “Growing up? Young lady you’re only 14 years old for crying out loud.”

4) Apparently, the Family Guy kid is really good at the vape? Or vaporing? You know what I’m talking about?

OK, I see this vaping thing all over the news ‘cause they say it’s gonna kill kids worse than cigarettes, but I still got no idea what in the heck it is. Is like a hookah? I tried that once on our honeymoon and I had to spend the rest of the trip in bed. Or are they smoking weed out of it? Is it like one of those pen pipes that the PTA sent the flyer out about? Apparently, kids can smoke weed out of just about anything these days. Even fruit. They say if your kid asks you for an apple you gotta make them eat it in front of you so you know for sure that they’re not making it into a bong.

Well, whatever it is, Dusty must be pretty good at it, because he catches the eye of some old vape wizard that’s at Tween Fest picking up trash.

Dusty asks Twonk Master Chris (I got no clue what that the heck Twonk Master means and I just pray it’s not something filthy) to teach him how to do vape even better, but he turns him down ‘cause he says that’s not who he is anymore.

I got a lot of respect for that. Whenever I see my old college buddies they expect me live up to my old nickname and I gotta tell ’em that I haven’t been “Dr. Von TitLick” for a long, long time.

5) Todd has to be his own Swag Squad and makes one of those robot cars go berserk.

Todd has to start throwing out t-shirts and beach balls and all that junk, ‘cause the Swag Squad is still on strike and that crowd of teens is getting antsy.

I don’t know why kids are so crazy about getting free junk, but I’ll be darned if I haven’t done used the exact same strategy with Kaitlyn. It feels like the only way we can have ourselves a peaceful family vacation these days is if we promise Kaitlyn that we’ll stop at the outlets on the way out of town.

Anyway, Todd has a hard time with the t-shirt cannon and ends up nailing a robot car that’s doing some test drives in the dessert. The thing goes absolutely nuts and runs over this weird little robot that wants to give out hugs and completely freaks out that little baby reporter from before.

Honestly, I don’t trust those robot cars one bit. All the cameras and artificial intelligence in the world won’t mean hooey when the thing calculates to send you flying off a cliff. I mean, the thought of Kaitlyn getting her permit gives me the sweats. I love her, but she can barely pay attention to a conversation, let alone a busy road. But I’d rather have her behind the wheel than have her being driven into some lake by her Siri or whatever. Man, the things we do for our kids, huh?

Anyway, if you want to see what all the hub-bub is about, you can watch Tween Fest for free on go90. They got new episodes every Wednesday, which I think is “dope,” even if my daughter says I can’t say that.

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