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October 16, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The UK and Scotland reached an agreement that will allow Scotland to vote on whether to become independent. Though the UK wanted to be completely clear, "This means you move out of the basement and you can only borrow the car for job interviews. Not pizza. Job interviews."

Americans Alvin Roth and Lloyd Shapely won the Nobel Prize for Economics for studying how to bring parties together for mutual benefit. For example, parties that own chips and parties that own beer.

Japan-based company Softbank has offered to buy 70 percent of Sprint for $20.1 billion. When Sprint's CEO heard the news, you could hear a pin drop. 

The UN peace envoy to Syria is asking Iran to help broker a truce. If that doesn't work, they hope Antarctica will have a solution. 

Meanwhile, the European Union announced new, tougher sanctions against Iran. Or as Paul Ryan refers to them, not sanctions.

A new study shows a rise in birth defects among Iraqis since the U.S.-led invasion. Bombs apparently not being "good" for children. 

Astronomers have discovered a planet with four suns. Even worse for the planet, they're all in their teens.

George Romney may not have walked out of the 1964 Republican National Convention in protest of his party's anti-civil rights stance, as was widely reported. Monday Mitt Romney said no one ever claimed he walked out while Tuesday Mitt Romney said Monday Mitt Romney has no idea what he's talking about. 

A man is accusing William Koch, brother of the billionaire Koch brothers, of holding him hostage at a ranch because he was concerned over Koch's company's plan to evade taxes. William clearly being the least successful brother since he still has taxes to evade. 

The HPV vaccine does not make girls more likely to be promiscuous, according to new research. Though that doesn't count girls who celebrate avoiding cancer with lots of sex. 

Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be sitting down for an interview with Barbara Walters. Which should go well as long as she doesn't have a wheel and two peddles in front of her.