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November 07, 2011

False account of an upcoming initiative on the Mississippi 2012 election ballot that would grant "personhood" to goo-goo eyes.

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A ballot initiative that will be put before Mississippi voters in the November 2012 election will decide whether or not “personhood” will be granted to goo-goo eyes and other naughty looks along with winking, flirtatious comments, the wearing of revealing apparel and similar activities that may eventually lead to sex and therefore to procreation.

Sponsored by state Legislators Representative Timothy Snopes (D-Yoknapatawpha) and Senator Gabriel Truman (R-Jackson), the initiative passed both houses after a great deal of debate last year with substantial lobbying from both pro-and anti-abortion organizations.

Passage of the initiative is considered likely in the highly conservtive and religious southern state.

The initiative reads as follows; “The status of personhood will be granted to all activities with the possibility of leading to sexual intercourse and therefore to conception and childbirth. This will include approving looks from persons of one gender to another (AKA ‘goo-goo eyes’), sexually enticing and inviting looks (‘bedroom eyes’), winking, flirtatious comments such as, ‘That’s a lovely dress,’ ‘Your smile is divine,’ ‘I’d better call heaven because there’s an angel missing,’ ’nice ass’ and ‘lovely weather, isn’t it?’ Other activities such as the wearing of tight or revealing clothing and the offering of one person to another of the opposite gender an alcoholic beverage, cigarette or throat lozenge shall henceforth be granted sentience with the potential to vote, attend public schools, own property and serve on juries when they resulting child reaches an appropriate age.”

Critics say that promoters of the initiative are out of the god-damned minds, and last Saturday some gathered on the steps of the state capital for a “million-wink” protest, in which participants winked at one another hundreds of times per hour and then claimed to have massive amounts of dependents that they planned to use for tax deduction purposes.

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 The initiative is the brainchild of Millard Tink, President of the Tupelo-based Mississippians Of Faith Organized (MOFO), which has led the fight for the initiative (dubbed “Operation Goo-Goo”). A veteran “pro-life” activist, Tink believes that the spirit and drive have gone out of the movement to re-criminalize reproductive rights and says that it is in danger of becoming a suck-slave to the devil.

“’Idle hands are the devil’s playing,’ goes the old saying,” said Tink to Memphis Shank reporter David Rasputin. “In my estimation, however, the idle hands of those who call themselves pro-life are doing so little that they might as well give ol’ scratch himself a big sloppy blowjob. What kind of world do we live in where those who claim to love Jesus and to be raising their children in a proper Christian manner are taking Lucifer’s big red bulbous cock down their throats?”

Rasputin wrote that Tink continued to make graphic references to oral sex between pro-life activists and the devil, along with other demonic entities, until Rasputin had to excuse himself to throw up.