In disbelief that you don’t have it yet


EVERYTOWN, PA – Move over,  Mark Twain – the written word is about to be revolutionized by that guy who sits three desks away. 

Barry Podge, 49, has signed up for a Twitter account. He’s barely been tweeting for two days, yet he has churned out a record-breaking number of cutting-edge tweets and has already amassed more than ten followers.

Podge is a local toner salesman, though he jokes his real job title is more like “professional time-waster”. He decided to get into tweeting to give himself more of a permanent forum where he’s free to post unfiltered, pure, topical and witty observational humor that his co-workers have come to know and love over the years.

His first choice of profession would have been stand-up comedian or employee of Willy Wonka’s factory but decided against both these careers upon realizing they were too “political”. He thinks keeping his friends and fans updated on a minute-by-minute basis strikes a nice balance between love and art, and has decided to put all his time and effort into that, instead.

The story of how Podge got his Twitter name dates back to late 2007 when at a Christmas party he came up with the self-deprecating nickname “Pudgy Podge”. He currently clocks in at 225 pounds. While “Pudgy Podge” hasn’t really caught on with his co-workers despite his persistent efforts to make it happen, he says that now he’s tweeting the name “Pudgy Podge” will have a second wind. He then laughed and repeated the joke, pointing out that it was funny because he had said “wind”.

After talk show host Conan O’Brien made a joke about something that happened at an awards show, Podge was quick to respond on Twitter. “I concur,” he tweeted.

He also follows teen phenomenon Justin Bieber on Twitter, but just “as a joke”, he insists. After the singer tweeted to fans that he was working on a new track in the studio, Podge sent a message to the singer saying, “U r a cool kid. I think you should get into singing or sumthin.” This remark was accompanied by a semi –colon and a close bracket.

Twitpic, Twitter’s own built-in social media service that allows its clients to share photos, has also become a favorite feature of Podge’s. Just yesterday he posted a picture of himself holding a Snickers bar, with the caption: “Look who’s given up on his resolution already! LOL!”

Podge recently took a survey of the ten closest co-workers to his desk to find out which ones of them had Twitter, and was alarmed to find out none of them did, with the exception of the office’s receptionist, Mildred, who shyly remarked that in 2008 she made a joke account for her cat but she “doesn’t use it much”.

Twitter went online in 2006, but Podge just heard about it now for some reason. He's shocked nobody told him about it before, as it's the ideal way to spread his views and values.

 Despite being new to the site, he announced to his office that everyone should get it so they could all follow each other, because it’s fun.

Mildred the receptionist’s cat was forced to follow Barry on Twitter, but she is just one of several devoted followers he has. Others include a spam robot that picked up on a word he wrote once, an egg-faced being that keeps asking him if he’d like to change his insurance rates, and six or seven blonde women, also spam robots, with indecipherable Twitter handles whose tweets contain nothing but innuendo.

“Look who’s Mr. Popular!” he remarked.

Mr. Podge is a father of three, two of whom hate his guts. 


In the words of R.E.M. , "Follow me".