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July 19, 2016

An open thank you letter to the GOP for deciding to declare porn as a National health crisis.


Dear GOP,

Thank you for deciding that Porn should be regarded as a health crisis. Although we may disagree on some of the specifics which I shall be glad to address shortly, there are many reasons for those of us in the adult film industry to applaud your concerns about XXX entertainment.

Most importantly, we tip our hats that you would want to make access to porn more restricted. You see, those of us from that bygone era when access to porn was more difficult and carried more social stigma, the industry was more profitable to a greater number of people. Production companies, distributors, models all made much more money when the content was much more stigmatized. Now the only people truly thriving are those companies that make money on giving the goods away for FREE! Can you believe it? Unfortunately every political bias and religious sect enjoys free porn, because let’s face it - Sex is food and people have to eat - otherwise I would say that it would be nice just to charge the Democrats and the religious zealots and still give it free to the Republicans just for the consideration. But unfortunately I do not think that would either be possible or necessarily constitutional for that matter. The last thing any of us want is more tax dollars going to the FTC to try and figure out how to segregate customers. Maybe we can offer Republicans a discount though if they send us tribute photos (look it up) made from nude pictures of any of Trump’s wives, past, present, or future.

But who cares about that darn constitutional free speech anyway. Free, free, free, everyone wants everything for FREE these days, right?

Now, there is a small problem with declaring it a “health crisis” because that implies that viewing porn somehow causes grave health concerns, you know, like Zika, or any other types of deadly transmittable illness like TB, bubonic plague, or influenza or things like that. Unfortunately, your poster boy of republican values Ronald Reagan tried very unsuccessfully to prove porn was bad when he appointed his pal Ed Meese, a staunchly anti porn advocate, to conduct a study that in the end only proved that porn was not much to be worried about at all. In fact, the Meese Commission’s report probably did more to help porn get more respect and legitimacy in the long run! So best probably not to go down that road again but you don’t have to take my advice. Just let the Family Research Council keep raking in the donations so they can claim to be fighting porn because in this case the illusion of the struggle against adult movies may be better than trying to deal with any of that annoying scientific factual stuff anyway.

Seriously, isn’t global warming enough of a debate to deal with these days anyway? Let us save the embarrassment of your legislators having to argue that vaginal sex is ok and anal is not unless of course it is done by married couples and only if it is an accident or things like that.

The last thing we all want to see is Bill Nye the Science Guy having to lecture anyone about the value of sexual freedom as an important aspect of mental health. Because that might mean letting our collective consciousness run free to explore the idea of Mr. Nye having sex… and besides respecting his right to privacy, that just is not necessarily any sort of fantasy most of us would be investing in our spank banks. Who knows though, I certainly cannot speak for everyone. If there is one thing that owning an amateur porn company has taught me it is that there is definitely something and someone for everyone to get turned on by, including fantasizing about what sex with Bill Nye would be like. (I am quite certain that test tubes and bunsen burners would be involved though and that is outside my scope of erotic imagination much less fodder for my own proclivities).

Don’t worry, we will not tell anyone if you are watching porn because discretion is not only the better part of valor, it is also the way to keep customers of adult entertainment happy. Considering that republicans tend to be a bit kinkier than their milquetoast liberal counterparts, that is just being mindful and respectful of the customers. The world doesn’t really need to know what those red states like to view. If interracial is hot in Alabama, and gay makes the day in Utah, who cares? We are cool with it if you are. Although, I guess declaring porn a public health crisis comes in handy when the spouse catches you playing patriot games with your fife and drums, because who can blame anyone for accidentally catching something they had no control over…

Wait, my bad, I guess using the “off” button or exiting a site kind of negates that but why let that be any sort of concern. It is already going to be tough enough to convince women that they don’t like visual stimulus again. Spanky and Alfalfa’s “He-man Woman-Haters Club” was never the same after that happened. On the flip side though, let’s face it, the whole bra-less and mini skirt and bikini thing wasn’t so bad a trade after all. So don’t let those things become public health hazards next otherwise the vast amount of garbage that is washing up on our beaches will become a lot more noticeable and might even warrant its own declaration of being a hazard to not only our country but also our planet. Who wants to see those nutty environmentalists be proven right?

Good luck with your convention. We hear those conventions are very busy for the sex industry workers. Remember, we members of the adult entertainment industry are voters too, and we like to make an honest wage just like everyone else, and vote just like everyone should. Keep America great. Make those freeloading horny people pay for porn again.

Thank you and God bless America, you sexist, I mean sexy, beast.