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March 05, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

File-sharing registry the Pirate Bay is now operating thanks to an ISP based in North Korea. Setting up the age old choice between paying $9 for a Nickelback album or supporting a country that still uses concentration camps. 

Syrian rebels have seized the provincial capital of Raqqa. Western countries applauded the victory though they're not sure what a provincial capital is. 

On Monday, cardinals held their first round of meetings at the Vatican to select the new pope. Analysts say it was the most productive meeting of old white men since ever. 

In related news, a man posing as a bishop was able to sneak into a pre-conclave meeting. People became suspicious when they noticed he wasn't moving diagonally.

In England, a man dressed as Batman turned in a wanted man at a police station. At which point he drove away in his Batautomobile.

Scientists say a comet may hit Mars around October 2014. "Hey, what's everyone talking about?" said the Mars Rover.

Dr. Hannah B. Gay of the University of Mississippi Medical Center appears responsible for totally curing a child born with HIV. Other good news: It's three decades too late to use the headline "Gay Cures Gay Disease." 

Researchers studying Mother Teresa claim to have found "suspicious" financial arrangements and secret bank accounts. But how else can you keep vast amounts of sex tapes a secret?

At Oberlin College, classes were canceled when people spotted someone wearing a KKK hood. It was particularly alarming since Ann Coulter wasn't scheduled to speak until April. 

In Australia, as many as 15 miners were fired for performing the Harlem Shake in a gold mine. It was a decision that even Australians could understand. 

Obama is considering Walmart Foundation President Sylvia Mathews Burwell as his next budget chief. Burwell and Obama having a lot in common, as they both love non-functional, awkward forms of health care.