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March 15, 2016
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I thought it was a for sheezy smang-a-thon I had signed up for.

Sup slugs, I’m back from Spring Break Cancun Hachi-Machi Blast and I am seriously biffed because on my week long VIP-cation, I didn’t smang it to a single MILF. When you spot me and I’m a bit more negatively jacked than use’, know that that is why.

Before you open your ham hole to be like, “Breff, but why did you think there would be MILF’s at the Cancun Hachi-Machi resort? It’s a locale for roid-o teens and Wall Street interns alike, but certainly not for women who have birthed a B out their V” please note in your dinky little brain that I was hoping for a UNIQUE Spring Break Cancun Hachi-Machi Blast x-perience, one that you n00bs would not understand.

Maybs you haven’t taken a women’s studies course like this hunk has (look up from your Happy Potter book, nerds and see that I’m pointing to myself) but I understand fully and completely that a woman does not lose her value once she’s popped a newbie human into the ‘verse. Women, especially women experiencing motherhood contain multitudes, so all I wanted to do was add in my own personal ‘tude to the female diaspora and smang a MILF on SB, k? And that didn’t happen and like I previously mentioned I’m extremely biffed about it.

Also, if I’m being 100% beef frankfurter with you all, I don’t really gel with non-moms my age. All they care about is Snapchat and Vine and other apps that don’t work on my Blackberry Priv. That doesn’t mean I don’t smang them on the reg, but I wasn’t looking to smang a college chick, unless that college chick was a MILF.

I knew smanging it to a MILF would not be easy at a resort designated for blatto bros and BFA babes to grind until the morning sun rises. But I truly believed in my barrel chests of barrel chests that there’d be perhaps a former MTV teen mom on VIP-cation because her baby was taken away by a court order and she’d want to just chillax in a Jacuzz. And maybs just maybs I’d be her hunk in spray tan armor who could wine and dine her at the resort’s Senor Frogs. What a deeply profound way to celebrate women’s history month as well as subvert a week-long tradition that mom’s are typically excluded from. I would have been Cancun’s bell hooks: break hunx.

Unfortch, tho, as Hachi and as Machi as the Cancun Hachi-Machi Blast resort was, the only MILF on the premises was def with a DIDWTFNH (dad I don’t want to fuck, no homo.) So just know that that lack of smanging 24/7 which I’m usually used to, did not happen and I’m going to be in the gym doin’ reps and working on my gains to de-stress. If I work hard enough and eat enough protein bars, next year at Spring Break Miami Mix Up Blast I can probs for sure smang it to a MILF. Until then, happy women’s history month no one.

pc,
Breff

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