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December 13, 2011

Twitter hell does exist and it's a sad, sad place.


The People You Meet In Twitter Hell


 Out of all of the social networking websites that are available for use, my favorite one is probably Twitter. Twitter has two major benefits over Facebook. The first benefit is that stupidity can be contained to 140 characters instead of several paragraphs. The second one is that my parents and grandparents haven’t figured out how to use it yet so I can swear and write jokes about sex.

Despite the greatness of Twitter, there seems to be a variety of evil people that are trying to ruin it for everyone else (I admittedly am one of these people) and now I should provide a profile of these types of people.


The Porn Bot

Porn bots are evil, evil things. They will actually make you think that a woman is interested in you seeing them naked. Unfortunately, for you the only thing you will see by clicking the link to their “hot pictures” is a notification from your anti-virus saying you’ve been infected. Porn bots are the ultimate tease. You don’t even get up to end up with blue balls; you just end up with a blue screen.

 Sample Tweet: Hey boys, check out my hot picture@thiswebsiteisafuckingvirus.com


The Porn Star

For the sole purpose of doing research for this article, I investigated a few Twitter pages of a few women in the adult film industry. They always seem to have terrible luck with plumbing because they are always asking for someone to fill up their holes. They could easily remedy their problems with some caulk but they seem to misspell that word a lot. They misspell the word come a lot too. It truly is coincidental on how they all manage to spell one word so wrong so much.

Sample Tweet: I need a hawt repairman to cum fill all these holes.


The Person Who Really Wants a Retweet From a Celebrity

I’m not really bashing anyone who does this because I would literally snort pixie sticks off a toilet seat in a Taco Bell bathroom to get acknowledgement from someone famous but it really can be sad to see how badly someone wants to be retweeted. I one time saw someone’s twitter page that had sent two hundred of the exact same messages sent to Justin Bieber. Either that person has the short-term memory of Dori from Finding Nemo…or that person is INSANE.


“Parody” Accounts

I’ve only seen a few accounts on Twitter that claim to be a parody that is actually a parody. These people just seem to be people that wanted a bunch of followers (and don’t forget about possible ad money) so they made a fake twitter account of someone famous and called it a parody.

I present the definition of parody.

Parody: An imitation of the style of a particular writer, artist, or genre with deliberate exaggeration for comic effect.

Recently, the Wiz Khalifa “parody” account tweeted “#SomebodyLetMeKnowWhen people stop thinking that doing drugs is cool, because its not!!” How in God’s name does that fit the definition of a parody? Does the owner of the account even know who Wiz Khalifa is? If I grew an entire field of marijuana and told Wiz Khalifa to smoke all of it, he would just shrug and call it a regular Tuesday. 

The owners of these “parody” accounts should be sued and thrown in jail until they can learn the meaning of the word parody.

Sample Tweet: Im a Justin Bieber parody account. I’m going to tweet about how I’m a lumberjack.


Some Celebrities

 Some celebrities  (I’m looking at you Rainn Wilson and Michael Ian Black) are amazing on Twitter, but the other half of them are so disappointing. I know they are busy with doing whatever celebrities do and they don’t have time to satisfy us peons with amazing or insightful tweets. But whenever I see a celebrity I like who never actually tweets anything but links to old news articles, I die a little bit more on the inside. YOU ARE A CELEBRITY! NOT CNN! ENTERTAIN ME! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR NEW BRAND OF PERFUME!!!/end stupid rant.

 Sample Tweet: Check out this awesome link @www.newsarticleyoureadtwomonthsago.com! This is the only thing I’ll tweet this week.


The Guy Who Clicked The Spam/Virus Link And Now Will DM You The Spam

 This guy clicked on the suspicious weight loss, porn, get rich quick, etc. link. You will now suffer at the hands of constant spam because of this person. Have fun.

 Sample Tweet: Hey, check out this link @totallylegitwebsitethatwilltotallydestroyyou.com


The Twitter Celebrity

This person will somehow manage to have 800,000 followers. They have never actually done anything of note in the real world outside of tweeting the occasionally funny quote. After reaching their 100,000th follower they will somehow gain a massive sense of entitlement and every tweet after reaching their 100,000th follower will be about their “haters”. You will unfollow them eventually.

 Sample Tweet: I’m just provin’ the haters wrong. 150,000 followers bitches!



 Nothing is more terrifying on Twitter than Beliebers. I once tweeted a joke about Bieber and one sent me a message telling me to go kill myself. If you tweet something disparaging about Justin Bieber, you will be attacked by an army of teenage girls with the sole intent of destroying your self-esteem. Beliebers personify soul crushing evil. They can make whatever they want  trend and if you cross them, they will DESTROY you. When angered, Beliebers could be classified as a hate group.  Thank God they have a bed time.

I’m sorry for crossing you Ilovetehbiebs44. Don’t kill me.

Sample Tweet: I love Justin Bieber!!! I’m possessed by Satan!!!!


That Guy Who Wants You to Check Out His Mixtape

Usually, this is a guy who claims to be different from all of the other rappers on Twitter. I swear I see about a million tweets a day from guys who say their mixtape is different from everyone else’s. It’s never different. I wish it were different. If it were, I could finally go a day without crying myself to sleep.

Sample Tweet: Check out my mix! It’s so different. This is pure cash and there aren’t thousands of others trying to be like me.