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School’s out, the commencement speeches have been delivered, and a whole new batch of 2014 graduates are starting to look for jobs. It’s a tough climate out there, so we’ve compiled these helpful tips for new grads as they begin to enter the workforce.

  • Don’t lie on your resume. (That was a lie. Definitely lie on your resume)
  • Dress for the job you want, not the job Gotham deserves.
  • Leave embarrassing details off your resume, like a silly email address, or the fact that you went to Arizona State.
  • If at all possible, be a white guy whose dad has a lot of connections.
  • Apply for jobs on Craigslist. If you get an interview, report that person to the police ‘cause they’re definitely a murderer. Maybe the police will hire you!
  • Salaries should always be negotiated by writing a number on a piece of paper and sliding it across a table.
  • For networking events, “I’m not old enough to remember 9/11” is a good icebreaker.
  • If you crush the cans you can carry more in your shopping cart.
  • Remember that movie Blank Check? Keep remembering. Boom, you’ve killed a few minutes of depressing unemployment.
  • Incorrect: “I have attached my resume.” Correct: “I have attached my řéşůɯé.”
  • If you send a “thank you” email after an interview, you’ll seem appreciative. If you send a “thank you” falcon, you’ll seem like you mean fucking business.
  • Six little words, one BIG statement: Donald J. Trump Signature Collection Tie
  • Resumes are passé. The only way to make a splash nowadays is with a well-edited sex tape.
  • Know your strengths: arms, legs, or core. Now get an employer’s attention and just flex.
  • Actually, you guys are gonna have to hang out for a little while, we’re still working on finding jobs for the class of 2009.
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