FROM THE DESK OF DONALD J. TRUMP,
AKA MR. UNTOUCHABLE
Dear Trump campaign staffers and Trump supporters everywhere,
As you know, I have been gleefully insulting lots of people during my presidential campaign: women, disabled people, Mexicans, Muslims, John McCain, I could go on and on. My insult list, like my appeal, is infinite. It seems like the more racist and sexist things I say, the better!
But there’s one group that I conspicuously have avoided thus far: black people! See, I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment in my campaign to drop this and sweep the presidency.
I, Donald J. Trump, am going to say the N-word!
Picture this scene: I’m up at the podium in a small arena in Iowa or New Hampshire or some other worthless state — New York forever, baby! I’m moving the White House! — surrounded by my wildest supporters. It’s a day when Idiot Cruz is trying to steal attention from me or there’s been another “unfortunate” incident of police brutality. And just when the media is starting to lose interest in me — BAM! I’ll drop the N-word like a hot potato.
I know you, my supporters, won’t even miss a beat. You won’t think, “Hey, maybe that was racist?” or, “Maybe Trump has brain cancer because that was crazy.” You’ll just say, “Thank God someone is finally vocalizing al my thoughts” and cheer like mad. N-word! N-word! N-word!
I can already see the newspaper headlines: “Is Do-N!@&#$ Trump A Racist?” You’re welcome, New York Post! I can hear MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough accidentally dropping the N-word back to me during a live, on-air interview! And I’ve got ready my unrelenting defense for why it’s acceptable for me to use the N-word — I’m not a racist, and N-words love me! See, I am **the best** at defending my positions.
Is now the right time to drop the N-word? Yes! I have been building to this the whole time! Plus, the past few months have proven that you guys are on board with literally anything I say! Let’s push these boundaries and these poll numbers UP UP UP!
And who knows, maybe — if I’m feeling like I want an extra 20-point jump in the polls — I’ll even use the N-word in reference to our current president. Just for funsies! It’s like an extra bonus of two offensive insults wrapped up in one perfect little package! Incidentally, this is also how Melania refers to my penis: one perfect little package. I made her add the “perfect.”
WOOHOO! This week is going to be FUN!
Fuck you! (this is how I sign my letters now that I’m allowed to insult anyone with no repercussions)
Donald J. Trump
The “J” stands for “JustTellingTheTruth” and also for “Jacuzzi”