Hi folks, Newt Gingrich here. You remember me, I’m that Republican-looking, billiken-looking, obsessed-with-sex-looking guy who bubbles up into political news every now and then. Welp, the other day I told Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly that she is obsessed with sex. I had no choice!
She asked me questions about Donald Trump–who said on tape that he commits sexual assault on women and then was accused by many women of committing sexual assault and also wants to be president of the United States—and somehow thought sex had to be a part of that question!
I’m here to defend my allegations and plead with the public to stop talking about sex for once! You’re all obsessed with sex and it has to stop!
To be clear: I’m definitely a pervo. I perv out regularly and in multiple ways. Cheating on multiple spouses, marrying my former high school teacher, etc. I’ve done it all, perv-wise, and I can’t help myself from having sex if I want to no matter how many lives it destroys. Basically I love sex so much. I’m obsessed with sex. Wait, sorry, that’s not what I meant.
Here’s the thing: sex behind someone’s back is the opposite of being obsessed with sex. You can’t be OBSESSED with something you’re ASHAMED of! Can you? Oh man, I’m really getting in the weeds here, sex-wise. Let me explain.
Sure, I’m a pervo who’s *maybe* obsessed with sex, but when asked about my sordid and well documented sex problems, I lie about it. And act like I’m a pillar of the Christian community. When I’m confronted with sex talk that is counter to my agenda, I act like sex is off limits. Why is everyone so obsessed with bringing up sex?
I’m addicted to sex and I’m obsessed with sex and Megyn Kelly needs to stop talking about sex.Am I making any sense? Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy. Crazy for sex. With multiple women. Who aren’t one of my multiple ex-wives. Why can’t I stop talking about sex right now? I asked my former wife for an open marriage because I wanted more sex and then I divorced her because she wouldn’t give me what I wanted. Because I’m obsessed with sex.
GGAAAHHH! Newt, stop, you’re acting crazy!
But I can’t be crazy! Everyone else is crazy! I’m a rich and powerful and sane man. And I’m a pervo who’s obsessed with sex—CRAP no. That’s not what I meant.
I think maybe I’m getting off track. I’m just saying that Megyn Kelly has no right to constantly talk about the dozen or so women who have accused Donald Trump of committing sexual assault without also talking about Bill Clinton’s alleged sexual assaults.
Yeah! That’s right! That’s my main point here. I think.
Let’s focus on Bill Clinton’s extra-marital affairs. I want to talk about them! When we were going through his impeachment in the 90’s and everyone else was talking about the specifics of Bill Clinton’s affairs, I didn’t really get to dig in to all the details because I was busy having an extra-marital affair myself.
So please, let me perv out on Clinton sex specifics because I’m obsessed with sex.
NO! I mean, Megyn Kelly is obsessed with sex. And I am normal.
That’s right, I’m normal. Everyone else is crazy.
Phew! Glad I solved that one.