or
 
Think it’s dangerous to catch King Crabs in the frigid waters off the coast of Alaska? It is, asshole. You know what else is dangerous? Working as an elf. You’re employed a few weeks out of the year, under terrible conditions, for a crazy man who pays you nothing, who barely turns on the heat, who then makes you dance on the ice for him, as he sips his spiked eggnog, cackling. 
 
What we’re saying is that elves die on the job all the time. It’s a miserable, horrible life, not nearly as glamorous as the National Geographic documentaries portray.
 
What follows are the most common manners of Elf Demise (not including the elf hate-crimes that so frequently occur in rural areas):
 
Figgy pudding overdose
 
Being found dead in North Pole flophouse, surrounded by 11 crack pipers piping
 
Cancer of the ornament
 
Killed by jealous girlfriend in murder-suicide after discovery of another woman’s curly-toed slippers
 
High-speed texting-while-sleighing
 
 
Consuming a fatal mixture of Pop Rocks and Coke (and meth)
 
Same reason all those Chinamen die all the time at the Apple iPad factory. Overwork? 
 
Trapped beneath a snowdrift on Gumdrop Mountain, being eaten alive by ravenous elf friends
 
Sharing of infected ornament hooks
 
Choking on vomit due to eggnog poisoning (“Freshman Elf” hazing incident)
 
 
Dick cancer
 
Eating a poinsettia to impress the lil’ elf dames
 
Gutted by Blitzen
 
Passing a kidney coal
 
Killed in a hail of bullets during a sugarplum deal gone sour
 
 
Tragically caught in café bomb blast after moving to Israel to study the Talmud
 
Drinking too many thimbles of gooseberry cider, then wrapping Subaru Impreza around a goddamn telephone pole
 
Crushed to death beneath a loose skid of overstocked Pogs
 
Infection from ingrown toenails caused by curled-toe boots
 
Autoerotic asphyxiation with a Slinky
 
 
Air embolism caused by blowing into elf vagina during elf cunnilingus
 
Jingling only part of the way
 
Have you seen that documentary Zoo? Instead of horse, think reindeer.
 
Victims of illegal "Elf Fighting" ring
 
 
Candy cane in the urethra (North Pole ICU sees this thing all the time)
 
OD’ing on a bad batch of Moroccan myrrh
 
Just died. Who gives a shit how?
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