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July 05, 2008


In the past, every time I ate Lucky Charms, I had the urge to track down whoever invented the machine that dyes the magical marshmallows two different colors. I envisioned a strongly-worded, passionate letter thanking him for the miraculous machine which allowed for the delicious additions of rainbows, pots of gold (my personal favorite), leprechaun hats, and shooting stars to the original solid-colored, boring marbits. This plan changed when the folks down at General Mills blew all my letter-writing intentions out of the water with Chocolate Lucky Charms.


Now, all I foresee is a letter to the genius who finally acknowledged the pleading eyes of America that desperately wanted Lucky Charms to seek new heights, but were too embarrassed, in this health-conscious age, to admit that the only relatively nutritional aspect of the cereal just wasn’t cutting it.


I’ve got news for you, America: it wasn’t just a pipe dream. The breakfast snore of sugar-oat shapes has been replaced with chocolate shapes. Fucking chocolate. This cereal is now basically Count Chocula with all the colorful magic of Lucky Charms. As a result of this godsend, the Fear has set in: what if General Mills is not telling us that Chocolate Lucky Charms is a limited edition cereal?


I know. Scary thought. My advice? Do what I did. Buy 20 boxes of this shit and hide it in your closet under your shoes.


-Jenny [BGH]