It’s FINALLY that time of year again. ABC just revealed The Bachelor Season 20 Contestants. It’s truly unclear why these announcements haven’t made the cut for Amber Alerts yet. I’ve been barely alive since Bachelor in Paradise, subsisting on scraps like previous Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe’s much less controversial Snapchats with her season’s winner, Ryan Gosling if he grew up near Chernobyl, Shawn Booth. They’ve posted a lot of cutesy shit like picking out a Christmas tree and Shawn trying to subtly readjust his balls. They’re just like us.
Playboy star Jade and tan Tanner are still getting married after “winning” Bachelor in Paradise. Born-again-virgin-then-born-again-not-virgin Bachelor Sean Lowe and his wife, Catherine, are having a baby. The Bachelor franchise in a godlike fashion CREATES LIFE. I digress.
In order to meet 2016’s 27-year-old Bachelor, Ben Higgins, 28 ladies have taken a break from their careers, some of which are as majestic as “chicken enthusiast” or simply, “twin”.
Ben, the self-proclaimed “unlovable” third place loser of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s season, will have his work cut out for him. During his stint on The Bachelorette he was hot but awkward as fuck, resulting in Kaitlyn asking if he was a virgin and sending him packing after he tried to prove he had no V-card in the Fantasy Suite.
Two of Ben’s contestants return from Farmer Chris Soules’ Bachelor season. Amber, who also somehow failed to find love on Bachelor in Paradise, is back. So is Becca, Soules’ virginal runner up. Neither of the two ladies seems as controversial as other Bachelor Family Returns such as last season’s sociopath, Nick Viall. Can Michelle Money please just come back again and again?
Other highlights from 2016’s contestants include FOUR Lauren’s and a
My Little Pony War Veteran named Jubilee. The Chicken Enthusiast is named Tiara and I pray to God Lord Chris Harrison that she has half the sparkle of Tierra of Tierra’s Eyebrows of Sean Lowe’s season. Tierra’s Eyebrows still have 15K followers on Twitter and if that isn’t the fulfillment of the American Dream I don’t know what is. TBD if New Tiara’s enthusiasm is about eating chickens or if they are her pets or if it’s a My Strange Addiction situation. She does suspiciously list them as her pets AND guilty pleasure.
Amanda, the Esthetician, says she loves her two daughters and botox.
Breanne, the Nutritional Therapist, wants “to show America that anything is possible and God will give you the desires of your heart. #powercouple – Yes, I hashtagged that. ;)”. Gagging. Fingers crossed she mistakenly steps forward for a rose when she hears someone else’s name.
Caila, the Software Sales Rep, looks twelve but wants to have “3 kids, because that’s the perfect amount to fit in a 5-seater car for traveling.” Scared of what would happen if she accidentally has twins last. Sorry Tommy you don’t fit in the car GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR LIVES!!!
Isabel “Izzy” seems normal. What is she doing here?
Jackie is a Gerontologist, a medical professional who specializes in aging. Maybe she can offer insight into Chris Harrison’s Dorian Gray situation. She also says she’s regretted nothing in her life, which might explain this high-risk low-reward life decision she has made. CAN’T WAIT.
So far Lauren R is my favorite Lauren.
Did previous Bachelorette Andi Dorfman decide to come back after her breakup Mrs. Doubtfire-style as Shushanna, the Mathematician???
Is it still hate-watching if I secretly want Ben to find love? Take a moment and say your goodbyes to all your Monday night plans as all these questions and more will be answered starting Monday, January 4th.