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February 27, 2009
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(from my blog at whatgives.gainesville.com)

Let me start out by saying that I am baffled by bedding.

I see beautiful beds, with the matching pillows and whatnot, and I want that for myself.

But I don’t understand all the different components you need to make your bed look like that. The lingo, the prices ... I just get so lost.

Case in point, my recent trip to buy new sheets.

I spent an obscene amount of time wandering around like Little Bo Peep before I finally ended up purchasing a set that looked exactly like the kind I currently had, only a different color, off-white. Oh and they used a different name, too: Duvet cover.

When I got home, I pulled them out excitedly and was immediately confused. I was expecting a fitted sheet and two pillow covers. The pillow covers were there, but the star of the show did not resemble any fitted sheet I’d ever seen. There were buttons for starters. On a sheet. And, I’m not going to lie, that really threw me.

“What the heck,” I thought to myself. “How is this supposed to work?”

I felt like I had suddenly been handed a Rubik’s Cube, and I never enjoyed those things. I was one of those people who just peeled the stickers off and put them in the right spots.
“There’s way too much sheet here,” I thought. “Did I mistakenly get King Kong size?”

The sheet set did not come with any directions. That made me feel like even more of a moron. That was the sheet company’s way of saying, “ANYONE can figure this out. Us providing directions for how to put on our sheets would be like an ice tray maker explaining how to make ice. Putting on these sheets is that simple.”

Finally, I realized there were two parts to the sheet and a slit at the front end. Was I meant to slide this sucker on like a pillow case? My mattress being the “pillow” in this scenario?

Easier said than done, especially if you’re trying to do this alone.

“This company hates single people,” I groused as I tried to convince my big mattress to channel its inner pillow.

Slowly, emphasis on the slowly, I wrestled the sheets onto my bed.

I had two problems I noticed right off the bat.

1. I had oodles of leftover sheet on either side of the bed.

2. My sheets had ears. They came to a point on the edges, and it basically looked like a rabbit had swallowed my mattress.

I had no idea what to do about either issue except to tuck in those sheets like no sheets have ever been tucked in before. I even buttoned them up, though I felt extremely weird doing so.

Of course, I now know that a duvet cover is not sheets. It’s to put over your comforter, because your comforter ... may get cold itself? I don’t know.

It would have been nice to include that on the package: For your comforter.

Now I’ve got these non-sheet sheets to deal with.

No doubt about it.

I am up sheets creek.
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