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Suburban dads everywhere are trying to determine if they can successfully masturbate while looking at this photo.

This week marked the release of Sports Illustrated’s annual swimsuit issue. The magazine released three different “history in the making” covers, including one featuring plus-size model Ashley Graham. This is the first time that the magazine has featured a plus-size model on its cover. One dad comments on his surprise when he got the issue in the mail.


It’s that time of year, fellas! Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue time! The time when all of us suburban dads get a little softcore present in the mail and don’t have to feel ashamed about it. But imagine my surprise when I pulled this year’s issue out of my mailbox and took a gander at the cover: a plus-size model. Wow! Golly! My first thought: I don’t know to masturbate to this!

Now, I loveall women — tits, butts, long-flowing hair, a face that isn’t deformed to the point that it’s distracting. And I love it all packaged in a skimpy bikini or a falling-off bikini or strategically placed hands or nothing but body paint (best invention ever). But while this cover model has all of that, she is not the typical SI cover model. She’s slightly larger than other women who have previously posed for the cover. She looks more like the women we all encounter in life on a daily basis. Hell, she may have even eaten something the day this photo was taken!

See, I typically masturbate to skinny yet impossibly busty women like Kate Upton or Chrissy Teigen or Kate Bock or Kelly Rohrbach or Lily Aldridge or Bar Refaeli. You know, dream women, who wouldn’t look like my wife even if they put a pair of capris and a sensible cardigan over their bikinis. What can I say? It’s just what gets me off. Stick with what you like, right?

But I wanted to give this new cover gal a fair masturbatory shot. “Well, how is this going to work?” I thought. I’m going to go into the upstairs bathroom for “quiet bathroom time,” and I’m going to look at this non-size-2 woman and fantasize about her? I know, it sounds crazy! I figured what might happen is I’d start wacking off and it would probably take a long while to get it up. And if I did manage to get it up, I’d eventually get a sore wrist from all that moving back and forth for infinity time. And then my wife would come to the bathroom door and warn me about getting hemorrhoids from sitting on the toilet for too long again. Talk about a buzzkill!

Well, lo and behold, I went to that upstairs bathroom and I lowered my Dockers khakis and I grabbed my dick with my hands and I discovered that I was more than a little turned on by this plus-size beauty. That’s right, fellas. I was able to get it up and get off just as quickly as I would with a totally normal cover model. It turns out, I am turned on by any attractive wet woman pressing her huge breasts together with an expression on her face that suggests that she’d totally suck my dick if given the opportunity.

And inside the issue, there were even more pictures of this plus-size woman! Photos of her with her bathing suit accidentally untied. Photos of her seductively lying back and — one assumes — waiting to be fucked. Photos of her covering her naked body with nothing but a large Mexican hat! Photos of her pulling up on a bathing suit with her name stitched on it — as if I care what her name is! — to give me a better view of her crotch. Photos of her chewing on some ice. Enough photos to masturbate to the next few times we ran out of ice cream and the wife went to pick some more up at the store!

This plus-size cover model has opened up a whole new masturbatory world of possibilities: size 4! size 10! size 22! all of the sizes! Instead of having a small segment of the population of women to masturabate to, I’ll masturbate to lots and lots of women. In fact, I’m going to make up for lost time because I have so many new women to masturbate to.

And next, I’ll give Ronda Rousey’s SI cover photo a shot — even though she looks like she’s about to maul a grown-ass tiger with her bare hands.

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