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March 26, 2017
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Take control of your life, scream like Alex Jones is watching.

Alex Jones is many things: an American, a political radio host, a filmmaker, a conspiracy theorist. But largely Alex Jones is a rarity. One may not agree with his politics or believe in any of his facts for that matter, but watching him unhinge is entirely satisfying. More importantly, Alex’s words, if used out of context, could get you out of most situations. Be prepared for awkward interactions with these quotes. Scream them at whoever you wish for whatever reason you desire, or for no reason at all.


“There are ALIENS in this room right now!”

— February 2nd, 2017 on the Joe Rogan Experience episode #911

Choose the weirdest looking person in any small to medium sized room, and point right at them. At a whisper, start repeating this quote, a little louder each time. Continue this until everyone leaves, someone tackles you, or you pass out. Whatever was happening in that room prior to this outburst will be long forgotten.


“They want to line your families up and shoot them.”

— August 3rd, 2009 on THE INFOWARRIOR with Jason Bermas

Shouting this phrase can remedy feelings of claustrophobia or social anxieties while on every form of public transportation. Yelling this threat mid-flight while running full speed towards the cockpit might just get you on FOX News.


“Bill Gates owns the Weather Machine!”

— February 2nd, 2017 on the Joe Rogan Experience episode #911

Scream this quote at your neighbors in the lawn section at the Steve Miller Band concert. Get your face as close to theirs as possible. Protect the pompatus of love.


“The Army came to my door. They told me not to talk to you anymore!”

— August 3rd, 2009 on THE INFOWARRIOR with Jason Bermas

Be all you can be. Assume the position. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” walk is effective (see below). Rid yourselves of unwanted friends, enemies and lovers by erratically proclaiming this unthinkable nonsense.

thriller-2.jpg

“Repent Now! Repent Now!
I know your mustache is cool!
You scare me so bad!
SCUM! SCUM!”

— February 7th, 2012 on Info Wars

Screaming this quote will confuse and deter anyone approaching you from any direction, with or without a mustache.


“Hey, tell your kids they gotta love Justin Biebler, and the Biebler say’s “hand in your guns, pass the cyber security act and the police state’s good” …and your children are turned into mindless vassals who now they look up to some twit instead of looking up to Thomas Jefferson or Nikola Tesla or looking up to Magellan. I MEAN, KIDS, MAGELLAN’S A LOT COOLER THAN JUSTIN BIEBER. He circumnavigated the Earth with one ship, the entire planet, was killed by wild natives before they got back to Portugal, and when they got back there was only eleven people alive of the two hundred and something crew, and the entire ship was rotting down the water line. That’s destiny. That’s will. That’s striving. That’s being a trailblazer and explore… going into space! MATHEMATICS. QUANTUM MECHANICS.. THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE. IT’S ALL THERE, LIFE IS FIERY WITH BEAUTY IT’S INCREDIBLE DETAIL. TUNING INTO IT. THEY WANNA SHATTER YOUR MIND TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER!“

— February 22nd, 2011 on Info Wars

Say this to get out of babysitting.


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