Washington, DC - In a major speech Tuesday night, President Barack Obama stunned members of congress and a worldwide TV audience when he revealed that his plan for economic recovery will require the nation to repeat daily stimulus affirmations, contact our "Inner FDR," and create a "Hope Collage."
The unprecedented measures are inspired by "The Secret," a popular self-help video which has successfully manifested hundreds of millions of dollars for the spiritual teachers who appear in it.
"A friend made me watch this DVD last week," the President explained, careful to note that he would never have bought "something like that" for himself. After an unexpected 20 minute silent meditation, Obama went on to unveil several new federal agencies he's creating to carry out the plan, including the "Department of Everybody Just Take A Deep Breath and Relax" and a Bureau whose name consists only of a star with infinity symbols wedged in its points.
President Obama closed with a limited-time discount offer on "The Secret" DVD's if purchased through WhiteHouse.gov.