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January 30, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at www.brianlisi.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A father of a Newtown Elementary School victim was interrupted at a state committee hearing in Connecticut by gun rights advocates. Said the advocates, "If you take away our guns, we'll just shoot our mouths off pew pew pew!"

Two members of Congress are asking the Justice Department to explain why they went after Internet activist Aaron Swartz. Meanwhile, the remaining members of Congress are asking the Justice Department to explain how they went on the Internet.

The country of Zimbabwe has $217 left in its bank. The government tried to keep the number secret, especially since its going on a Dutch date with America.

The first Hillary Clinton 2016 super PAC has been registered. Causing many to wonder, isn't it a little early to be becoming a hypocrite?

Apple announced their latest model of the iPad, which features 128 GB of memory and a starting price of $800. Another bonus: Every time it turns on, it proclaims, "I'm a computer!"

On Monday, Google unveiled detailed online maps of North Korea. It even has all the hottest places to beg for food.

Surfer Garrett McNamara reportedly broke a world record by riding a 100-foot wave off the coast of Portugal. In general the country is known for riding: waves, bikes, the coattails of Spain...

Egypt's army chief ominously commented that his country's political struggles could "lead to the collapse of the state." Adding, "You know. Again."

Outside a gun buyback event in Seattle, a man purchased a non-working missile launcher for $100 from another person. Said the man later, "I thought that was a lot to pay for a French press."

Scientists report that people who have late dinners have more trouble losing weight. However, people who eat earlier have more trouble speaking to their grandkids.

YouTube may be planning to offer paid subscriptions for individual channels. Making it even more similar to TV without the danger of encountering Jim Belushi.

President Obama is supporting an immigration reform plan currently going through the Senate. Republicans are divided, as some hate the plan while others hope to be re-elected.

Between 50 and 80 bodies of men were recently found along a canal in Syria, each one apparently executed. "Speaking of executed," said the UN, "CANNOT wait to see what Ray Lewis does to Colin Kaepernick in the Super Bowl pew pew!"

John Kerry was confirmed as secretary of state by the Senate in a 94-3 vote. Both parties coming together in a rare show of bipartisanship to say, "We don't want you here anymore."

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez is said to be involved in a new performance-enhancing drug scandal. "Did he supposedly do them recently? Because if so, he's definitely innocent," said anyone who pays attention to baseball.