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November 06, 2015
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Pyramids, West Point, Aliens, Oh My! What else will Ben Carson say next!

Ben Carson, America’s most laid-back presidential candidate, has said and done some decidedly unchill things this week. It’s like he forgot to take his daily dose of Xanax! Ayoo! Let’s take a lil’ tour on Ben Carson Tainted Truth Train! Beep beep!

He defended a statement he made in 1998 where he said, “My own personal theory is that Joseph built the pyramids in order to store grain” and that scientists believe aliens created the pyramids. If you’re quiet for a moment you can hear a resounding “BOOOO!” from the scientific community and fifth graders obsessed with mummies from all over the world.

Along with archaeologists and elementary school Egypt enthusiasts, Ben Carson’s old buds are also hopping onto the “nah, homie” train. Chugga! Chugga! CNN has been doing research on Carson’s alleged violent childhood, one filled with Carson trying to kill and often beating up other kids. Except the only person who remembers Carson’s bad temper is Carson himself.

Could he have been violent and people just not really realized? Sure. We all exaggerate our extracurriculars when we are younger. But it’s usually along the lines of “member of debate team” when actually we just got in fights with our parents, not “tried to kill my parents” when we actually just got in fights with our parents.

This train is really picking up speed and to amp up the hype going we’re gonna play Ben Carson’s radio ad aimed to young African American voters that’s really good!

Ah fuck, now we’re riding that tainted truth train because this rap is bad. Sorry, we got caught up in the excitement. This rap is pretty terrible.

Our last not-very true stop is Carson’s oft mentioned full-ride scholarship to West Point, to which West Point has kinda come out and been like, “Never seen you in our record books, who dis?” Also, for what it’s worth, West Point is free if you’re accepted … Sooo … Maybe we all should have caught that lie earlier?

What a ride! Surely as his campaign continues there will be more attractions to go visit!

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