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June 08, 2016

The contestants turn a classic sex-story-telling date into a testosterone war.

We were promised a double-dose of Chad and The Bachelorette is delivering The Chadelor TWELVE-FOLD. This episode had so many gems that they had to break it up into two nights.

I was sent some extremely relevant information on Chad, specifically that he bought all the internet domain names of the Bachelorette contestants that weren’t taken and linked them back to his Instagram. www.robbyhayes.com? Chad’s IG. www.derekpeth.com? Chad’s IG. On his Instagram, Chad refers to himself as ‘The Chadelor’ and you can find precious moments like this:

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It’s truly shocking that he’s on Team Chad.

I know we don’t get a lot of non-Chad time this episode but I don’t care. The guys complain that Hurricane Chad has left a meat path of destruction all over the house.

Dick Pastor Evan: “I actually think Chad has two sides to him. You have a douche, and then you have an asshole.”

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I also have two sides to me: Ex-Pastor with three kids and Wimpy-Voiced Dick Doctor.

Despite the mansion being in shambles, the Cool Tank Top Boyz, Mad Chad and Damn Daniel, convene to discuss their workout regimen.

Mad Chad puts down Damn Daniel’s weight limits: “Let’s do some BABS. I got the belt. So I’m gonna strap the 50s to us or 30s, cause that’s what you do.”

We’ll do some BABS, back and abs, then some DALLS, dick and balls… Then we gotta do two sets of scowling and ten sets of eating weird foods.

Mad Chad: “My goal was to get to doing pull-ups with my body weight strapped to me.”

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad has this like, caveman mentality.”

We end this segment with the hilarious joke that Lord Harrison is cleaning up the toilet paper that the men used to vandalize the Bachelor Mansion. There is a 1000% chance that this is the sole piece of trash Lord Harrison actually cleaned up.

Date #1: Yoga Date with Chase

Chase looks so much like Tanner. They walk into the yoga studio and meet Hemalayaa, the yoga instructor. She happens to be already standing on her head when they walk in. Supposedly this is Jojo’s first time doing yoga and I think it would be my worst nightmare to do yoga for the first time on a first date.

Hemelayaa asks how long they’ve been intimate and they respond that they met each other a week ago. This prompts Hemelayaa to demonstrate the pelvic thrusting motion and guttural screams she wants them to do. Classic yoga.

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Apparently this is called an angergasm. Chase and Jojo do angergasms sitting then standing, grunting, giving Bachelor Nation a gross preview of a fantasy suites week if Chase makes it that far.

Back at home, the Cool Tank Top Boyz rip off their tanks and do some grunting of their own. They continue their roles as cartoon villain and Canadian sidekick and this is one of my favorite sequences of the episode.

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Mmm break me off a piece of that vein, baby!

I feel like I don’t know anything if they’re not boning.

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Dick Pastor Evan takes a poo while watching the Boyz lift.

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Are those 50’s? I’m a lil worried Damn Daniel’s gonna over-exert himself trying to keep up with Mad Chad.

Back on the date, Chase removes his own shirt, revealing a gigantic heinous tattoo covering his torso.

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This show is making me realize how few tattoos are a good idea.

Hemelayaa makes Jojo straddle Chase.

Jojo: “This is the first time I’ve mounted a guy on my first date!” Bullshit.

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Hemelayaa tells them to align their “their third eyes”. The producers then make them stare into each other’s first and second eyes until they make out.

This makes Chase realize he loves yoga!

OHHH!! Yoga is awesome!! Feel my third eye?

Later they go to dinner.

Jojo: “Going into this date I didn’t know that much about Chase but I saw his funny, his goofy playful side earlier today.”

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Learning about all the sides of Chase. Booty side, bulge side, third-eye side…

Chase tells Jojo about his parents’ divorce.

Jojo: “He values the sanctity of marriage and it’s really attractive to me.”

Chase comes off very stoned and I can’t imagine he’s very good at medical sales repping. He seems like a terrible salesperson. They go to a concert just for them and I’m falling asleep.

Back at the Bachelor Mansion though, I’m WIDE AWAKE as they announce the group date participants, including Mad Chad.
Mad Chad expresses disdain at the thought of going on a date with 12 other guys and the guys are LIVID that he’s not worshipping the little time bestowed upon him.

Mad Chad: “Honestly, I don’t even want to go. I’d rather you guys go do your thing and then just get a one-on-one later… I don’t want to go with twelve guys. That’s too many guys.

A-Ro-Bro: "Do you think she would want to spend a whole day with you?”
James Taylor: “Be thankful, man. Be – act thankful.”

Mad Chad: “All I’m saying is I wish there was less people.” They suggest crossing his name off the list. Industrious Dick Pastor Evan calls for a Sharpie.
Mad Chad: “Evan, stop talking.”

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EVAN! What did I tell you about talking?!

Firefighter Grant: “I can’t right now. This is unreal.”

A-Ro-Bro if it’s a team event: “Whatever team Chad’s on, let’s hope it’s a bench-press competition, not a spelling contest.”
Mad Chad: “You trying to insinuate that I’m stupid, Jordan?”
A-Ro-Bro: “Nothing really comes out of your mouth.”
Mad Chad: “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. You’ve done nothing with your life other than throw a piece of leather.”

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Wait, how’d you know what my Dad said to me?

Marine Alex is like the kid who reminds the teacher that they forgot to collect homework.

I’m guessing on some of these bleeped out words.
Marine Alex: “I think it’s clear that there’s a solid piece of shit stinking right over there.”
Mad Chad: “There’s a 25-year-old pussy sitting right there.”
Marine Alex: “Try me, bro. Try me. You’re the biggest pussy I know.”
Mad Chad: “You’re gonna need more tattoos to look like a badass.” Lol.

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I’m looking at a big piece of shit in this vicinity. Really big. Like double-me.

Date #2: Group Sex Date

Mad Chad acquiesces to going on the date after all.
Marine Alex: “Today I’m excited to go on my group date with 10 guys, one douche bag, myself, and a beautiful girl.”

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I’m excited to go on my group date with 10 comrades in the fight against evil, one veiny turd-bucket, me-myself (Marine Alex), and one hot chick I’ve kind of forgotten about.

En route to the group date, Damn Daniel protects Mad Chad with his body from Dick Pastor Evan.

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Marine Alex: “I think if someone’s able to bring it up and highlight, you know, like the elephant in the room with Chad right in front of her, that will bring out his true colors. She’s gonna see it and think he’s out of his mind.” Unlike me, the guy who is vehemently obsessed with taking him down.

They arrive at the Atwater Village Theater. A woman fakes an orgasm on stage and says “it’s real”. A-RO-BRO’S FACE!!!

Never seen When Harry Met Sally

Vinny has never heard anything like that which is not shocking. The guys are going to have to perform in a show about sex stories.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Group dates have not been my specialty, but I run a chain of erectile dysfunction clinics and I talk about sex all day. This is another day in the office for me.”

One of the hosts of the UCB OKStupid Show, Molly, is there. She “looked back and it was like ‘The Avengers’ but like, potential boyfriends.”

A-Ro-Bro: “I don’t usually tell a group of my friends– close friends– sex stories, let alone a room full of strangers that I have never seen in my life. But sure as heck if I can spend more time with her, I’m gonna do it.” While Chad is going for some sort of villain/his own fitness spinoff role, A-Ro-Bro is going hard in the paint for next Bachelor. Or win. I guess he might win. Probably top two.

Damn Daniel: “I’m comfortable talking about anything. I love to talk about sex and weird things and different bodily functions.”
Producer: “What’s your favorite bodily fluid?”
Damn Daniel: “Poo is pretty funny.”

Cool Tank Top Boyz discuss their sex story plans. Mad Chad: “I don’t want to talk about her [sexual past] or mine. That’s in the past… Sex is something that you keep to yourself. I’m not gonna tell her. She hasn’t earned that yet. It’s not her business.”

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Is Chad the hardest-lived 28 of all time?

Damn Daniel tries to convince Mad Chad to drink a bunch and give it a try if he cares for Jojo.

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Just pound a few more whiskeys and talk about poo! It’s fun I swear! Let’s just do some goof-arounds!

Dick Pastor Evan decides he’s going to use his sex-story-time to roast Chad. Marine Alex gets jacked as hell on this idea: “Yeah! Yeah! You’re gonna keep like, silent blows to the face on Chad.”

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad broke the man code last night, and I just want to like, mess with him. I don’t know, like, I get this mischievous feeling that comes over me. Like, I think the man gloves might come out today.” Are these the same man gloves that grab loose dicks all day?

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Just like my delicate knees tonight, the man gloves are coming out.

Marine Alex: “I was hoping that someone in the group of us would have the courage to stand up in front of her and just call– call a spade a spade. Like, Evan, man, that’s a pretty ballsy move. Evan’s like, the smallest guy in the house, and Chad is 275 pounds of just sheer muscle. It’s gonna be the battle of the century.”

Firefighter Grant got arrested the first time he ever had sex for putting the tip in in a park: “I’m going to jail tonight but this counts.”

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Santa Nick describes his first time eating a girl out, saying he did the alphabet with his tongue. PS Jojo is STILL calling him Santa, so he’s probably going to win the show…
Jojo: “When I look at these guys as a whole, I see really kind, genuine, like, mama’s boys. But it turns out they’re way kinkier than I could ever imagine.”

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Santa is just SO kinky!

A-Ro-Bro: “If you see a guy naked and it’s flaccid, he forgot to fluff. It’s not always that big.” Forgot to fluff? As opposed to actually being turned on by the person you’re with? I personally have never seen a flaccid penis.

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I promise you ladies, it’s not always so gargantuan you are awestruck beyond belief.

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Jojo wants to bang A-Ro-Bro HARD.

Barber Vinny was interrupted having sex by his mother.

Damn Daniel continues to astound: “So she’s tied up at this point. I always carry a knife on me when I’m traveling. I was like, ‘Let me chop a little piece of her hair off.’ I have no idea why. I know. Cuff me up now. This is weird.”

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If stealing a lock of her hair is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Cuff me up.

We don’t get to hear Wells’ “hysterical threesome story?!” THIS IS NOT COOL ABC!!!

Dick Pastor Evan is “nervous and excited” for his Mad Chad roast. “I have a little bit of an edge here tonight… I happen to be in the business of erectile dysfunction… I want to tell a cautionary tale. I want to tell the dangers of using steroids.”
Marine Alex shouts out: “YES!!!” This moment is Marine Alex’s peak sexual experience.

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Dick Pastor Evan: “A couple of the benefits are like, you know, you get, like, the rope-like muscles, right? You get like, the chisel stuff happening, right, right? Lots of the guys are natural in the house, right? But then, we get the dangers of steroid usage and really steroid overdose. Irritability, um, withdrawl from people. Saying things like, ‘The girl I’m trying to date is nagging me.’”

Ali: “Evan is essentially implying Chad takes steroids. I don’t have to look at Chad to feel his anger. I can feel it. I can feel the fire just coming this way.

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Mad Chad looks like he’s going to kill Dick Pastor Evan.
Wells: “I was surprised. Him and I are smaller than everyone else, and he had the balls to get up and kind of call someone out.”

Grant: “That is something I would never do. When Evan gets knocked out by Chad, no one is going to be surprised.”

Dick Pastor Evan tries to sit down after his set, crossing Mad Chad, and Mad Chad rips the back of his shirt.

Jojo: “I saw a weird altercation between Chad and Evan.”

Notice Marine Alex delicately applying his chapstick on during said altercation. Is this the move he pulls during war?

Mad Chad barrels through this altercation and goes on with his original plan, to call Jojo up as a volunteer and try to make out with her in front of everyone. Jojo dodges his juiced lips.

Marine Alex’s pants explode AGAIN as he jumps up: “Crash and burn, brother!”

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Mad Chad throws the mic in anger after Jojo dodges him.
Marine Alex: “I got to witness the greatest disaster of mankind. The fact that Jojo was able to deny such a douche, a kiss in a public setting like that, it was beautiful to witness.”

Mad Chad PUNCHES THE DOOR leaving the theater.

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Marine Alex is riding high after the greatest disaster of mankind. The cherry on top would be smashing his tits against another man’s tits so he chest-bumps Dick Pastor Evan.

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Mad Chad walks in on this. Chad goes after Evan. Mad Chad: “You’re gonna fucking die if you don’t chill out.”

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Dick Pastor Evan: “Dude, you ripped my shirt. It was all in good fun, bro. Like, seriously. We’re just trying to have a good time.”

Damn Daniel has been swayed a little by Evan’s roast: “I understand you getting mad, but at the same time, you know, give him some props for, you know, making the best of the situation.” Mad Chad’s not having it. His knuckles are bleeding from punching the door and the guys ask him about it.

Mad Chad: “The door walked in the way of my hand. If I can’t lift weights, I’m gonna murder someone.”

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A-Ro-Bro: “Chad is on the loose. We all kind of saw his true colors. It’s called roid rage. At this point, you got to get Chad out of here. This guy might kill somebody.”

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A-Ro-Bro: “I think I’ve been very good at positioning myself to not get my heart broken.” Less good at positioning myself on the football field.
A-Ro-Bro: “I had a serious girlfriend a few years ago. I think I made a lot of mistakes as far as like, putting things ahead of, like, that relationship. And like insecurities in who I was and where my career was at.”

Jojo: “I’m so open and excited about you that I want to start developing our relationship.”

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Jojo opening up to A-Ro-Bro

Mad Chad to Vinny: “It was more about like she didn’t want to kiss me in front of people.” BUT BELIEVE ME, WE’VE KISSED. “It’s like he’s been bullied his entire life and now he feels that I’m the one guy that he’s like, ‘I’m gonna stand up, I’m gonna finally stand up to the guy’… I don’t start anything but I don’t take anything… I don’t want to come off like a complete jerk or something when I’m just standing up for my own self.”

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Dick Pastor Evan: “I can avoid him. I just don’t want to.”

Dick Pastor Evan: “Hey Chad. I can’t see your face."Mad Chad: "That’s cool. What do you want?”
Dick Pastor Evan: “Why are you here?”
Mad Chad: “Huh?”
Dick Pastor Evan: “Why are you here?”
Mad Chad: “What?”

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HUH? Why are you hitting yourself?

Dick Pastor Evan: “Dude, we just got into like, an altercation earlier. I can’t believe you didn’t just come right up to me and apologize. You owe me an apology and a shirt ‘cause you ripped my freakin shirt.”

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You owe me a freakin apology, a freakin shirt, and also new freakin pants… I can’t be specific about what happened to the last ones…

Mad Chad: “You’re ridiculous man. You’re like, trying to bully me or something. Like, leave me alone, man. I don’t have a problem with you. Just stay away. Do your own thing. Leave me alone, man. Stop talking about me. Stop trying to bump into me, stop trying to work out when I’m working out. Stop trying to cook when I’m cooking. Just stay away. Deal? Do your own thing!”

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Stop trying to work out when I’m working out. Stop trying to cook when I’m cooking. Stop trying to jerk off when I’m jerking off. Deal?

Everyone gets up to do their own thing.

Mad Chad’s confessional that is clearly from much later in the evening/1000 more drinks in: “Evan can die. Keeps trying to villainize me and make me sound like I’m a bad person when like, you got kids, and you know, you got nothing to do with your life and your life blows, so you want to fall in love immediately and get married. He fucked up already, he had three kids. He had his chance at love. Fuck his shirt, man.”

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He fucked up already. He had three kids. No one gets two shots at love except Tila Tequila.

Mad Chad is a wasted psychopath but he has a lot of valid points: “I’m sure he asked her a bunch of questions about her past and her history and her goals. That’s good. She probably just really felt like, at this moment, answering a ton of super personal questions that she probably shouldn’t be asked yet… Grant probably has never kissed a girl in his life. Grant looks like a dude from like Spongebob. That big face that sticks out… I’m just like, giving her a breather from all the dudes. Literally, it’s like I’m helping her out. Like, wassup? You’re welcome. Here I am.”

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New line to steal for Tinder: Wassup? You’re welcome. Here I am.

Jojo asks Chad what happened with Evan.
Mad Chad: “He tried to push me over. You know what I mean? Like the little kid trying to take down the bully… Are you like, super confused about me?”

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Leave Goliath alone, you know what I mean?

Dick Pastor Evan: “Chad continues to be the dark raincloud who continues to rain on my parade.” Evan interrupts Chad’s time with Jojo. Mad Chad stalks away, bitching that Evan is probably talking about feelings and his kids. He calls Evan ‘Gary Oldman from the Fifth Element.’

Dick Pastor Evan pulls Jojo to the side and tells her he’s leaving if Chad stays. Jojo says that’s something she needs to think about. Jojo grabs the group date rose and PICKS DICK PASTOR EVAN and it’s the first time he’s literally been picked for anything in his life. Also first time a tattle has ever been rewarded with a rose?

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Hm I’ll definitely think about that. Maybe after fantasy suites tbh. Can I appease you for now with a group date rose?

Dick Pastor Evan completely goes back on his ultimatum with this rose since Jojo can’t promise anything about Chad and they kiss.

Dick Pastor Evan: “I will totally accept this rose!”

Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “Boys, guess what? Daddy made out with Jojo!” It was literally one kiss.

Boys, guess what? Daddy banged Jojo! I can just say whatever I want as what happened now right? That’s how this works?

Mad Chad makes a series of amazing faces,attempting to communicate with Jojo about her rose decision via telepathy. They play some serious villain music.

Does. Not. Compute.

Mad Chad is experiencing the same emotions as Bachelor Nation.

Mad Chad: “Is this a real scenario right now?”

Pinch me. I’m asleep, right? I got a concussion from that punch and I’m in some sort of horrific backwards nightmare, right?

Mad Chad: “You’re actually right now, vibing this dude?”
Jojo: “I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. You are being disrespectful. And I don’t like that side of you.”

Bachelor Nation loves this side of Chad.

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Idk I’m not really feeling the sociopath side of you right now…

A-Ro-Bro: “Right in front of me, the most awkward moment I’ve ever been a part of. It’s awesome.”

Marine Alex: “Chad just wrote a beautiful disaster story… I’m going to DVR this and watch it over and over again and take fine joy in the fact that he’s gonna leave.”

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I’m going to DVR this and jerk off to it every night. It’s just a beautiful story!

Mad Chad: “No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan for anything other than to come sweep their front yard… Fuck them. Fuck everyone.”

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Fuck them! Fuck everyone! Fuck Planet Earth, dude! IT AIN’T FOR ME.

They leave and Chad declares he’s looking for another door to attack.

Dick Pastor Evan: “I’m so happy right now. And so tired. And so everything.” Ugh, the lameness is over-whelming.

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I’m so everything right now it’s NOT EVEN FUNNY. DID YOU HEAR ME, CHAD?

A-Ro-Bro: “Chad is a time-bomb waiting to explode.”

The producers hire a security guard to watch over the dudes as they gym, sleep, tan, etc.

Date #3: Dancing Through Life with James Taylor

Jojo and James Taylor wear old fashioned clothes/hair for this mystery date. They actually look adorable.

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Jojo goes on a dancing date with James Taylor at the Culver Hotel. They walk in and see old people that they DON’T KNOW dancing and James Taylor exclaims: “Yes! Smooth! Smooth!”

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Smooth, smooth! Yeah, baby, yeah!!!

Ms Havisham the old lady Jean tells them about her dead husband and how they used to love to dance.

Jojo: “They kind of just danced their way through life. That makes me want that.”

Old Jean: “The body chemistry is there?”

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Body Chemistry 101

They then have to use their new swing-dancing skills with a bunch of strangers outside, including a couple news-children dancing by themselves.

Jojo: “James is definitely worthy of front page news in my book.” Ughhhhh…

Back at the Mansion, The Cool Tank Top Boyz have reconvened to deconstruct their tumultuous group date. Their meeting is interrupted by the Security Guard’s strict patrol routes.

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‘Scuse me gentlemen, can I get in on this villains’ club?

Damn Daniel expresses his concern that Mad Chad is bringing his own reputation down in the house. He explains that people think he’s an animal/loose cannon.

Mad Chad’s mad feast never stops despite these setbacks. He chomps into a sweet, sweet potato. I wonder how many scenes this show has cut on Chad eating.

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Would an animal slash loose cannon chomp a tate like THIS?!

Chad’s next line is my favorite moment from this episode, possibly this season.

Damn Daniel: “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler.”
Mad Chad: “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.”

Damn Daniel takes his comparison down from Hitler to Donald Trump, then to Mussolini or George Bush. Which I guess is the descending Canadian path of devils.

Maybe don’t be Hitler. Maybe be Mussolini or Donald Trump. Don’t say I never gave you excellent dating advice.

Chad takes this advice in as food for thought, then shoves in some more food for lifting.

This has to be performance art, right?

Back on James Taylor and Jojo’s boring AF date, they discuss Ben dumping Jojo again.
James Taylor: “The moon is just like ‘James I love you.’” Jojo looks like a sexy my little pony and doesn’t deserve this nonsense. She starts CRYING. She cries every fucking time she talks to James Taylor it’s so weird.

James Taylor talks about how he’s always been ugly and kids called him Luke Long Neck? He also says he always introduces ladies to his hot best friend Marcus???

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They called me Luke Long Neck. My name is James. Kids are confusing and mean.


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Is this what girls in the heartland like?? Confessions of insecurities and non-stop shitty songs?

I can’t, Bachelor Nation can’t, this shit is too boring so we cut back to the Bachelor Mansion, where the Cool Tank Top Boyz are working out more and GRUNTING.

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It’s almost like you can see his personality bursting out of his body.

Lord Harrison announces that Jojo is canceling the cocktail party and the boys are devastated.

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Further proof that Damn Daniel is a lizard monster trapped in a human’s malformed body.

“Jojo” wants to have an all-day pool party instead! Most of the guys blow a load thinking about Jojo in a bikini.

A-Ro-Bro: “Pool party cocktails? Absolutely. Jojo in a bikini? Absolutely.”

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Getting to show off my pre-fluffed dick? Absolutely.

Except for Chad, the feminist.

Mad Chad: “I’d be happier having her not be in a bathing suit so that they couldn’t see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like. I can tell through her dress.” Really hoping Chad is not just saying what all dudes are thinking most of the time.

Dick Pastor Evan pulls Lord Harrison aside to tell him how scared of Mad Chad he is. He tells Chris there’s security guards walking around. Lord Harrison: “OH REALLY?” Chris explains that there’s a lot of testosterone clustered in one area.

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He punched a door and there’s security guards? You don’t say…

Lord Harrison asks Mad Chad about his aggression and steroids. Chad tells him that it’s all the other guys inciting the incidents.

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Roids? I couldn’t have even brought them with me if I wanted to. They do, yes, exist, in my possession, in my daily ritual, tho. No duh.

Damn Daniel describes this pteri dish of testosterone as “everything’s exacerbated and everything’s magnified. The worst comes out of you quicker.”

Lord Harrison tells Mad Chad to apologize and Mad Chad says the classic pre-apology line, “All right, game time.”

Mad Chad’s confessional: “I don’t want to have to physically fight you but if there’s no way for me to get you to stop saying the things that you’re saying, then I will physically have to hurt you. I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off, and there’s gonna be torsos, and then I’m gonna throw them in the pool, and I’m gonna fuck up this entire damn thing.”


Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

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