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July 28, 2012

A heart to heart from your closest friend about your new boyfriend, Mitt Romney. You're going to hate it, but you need to hear this.


Hey America,

Hey man. How’s it going? It’s me, Canada. Your “closest” friend. We’re pals, right? How long have we been neighbors? A long time. Has it really been that long? Anyways, me and some of the other countries have been talking and there’s something you need to hear:

That Mitt Romney guy you’re hanging out with is a huge dickhead.

There. I said it. Get mad at me if you want. But he is, man. An enormous wanker.  Everyone knows it but nobody wants to tell you. He started hanging around a few months and now he just won’t fuck off.

You’ve got to be kidding about this guy, right? Why are you hanging with such a dork? Huge dork. Massive dork. I mean, yeah he’s got loads of money, sure but he treats people like shit unless he wants something from them, and make no mistake he’ll do the same to you as soon as you put out your sweet vote for him.

Don’t you remember those assholes he used to hang out with? Sure he didn’t seem like such a loser when he stood next to pricks like Gingrich and Santorum, but he was in their gang. And their gang was a gang full of rich pricks.


And he was the dorkiest one. (Okay, maybe Herman Cain was dorkier)

He OBVIOUSLY just wants to get into your pants. He’ll tell you all kinds of shit that you want to hear until he gets your sweet, tight vote and then start lying to you and treating you like shit, just like all his exes at Bain Capital.  

Honey, you can do better.

Plus he’s a Mormon! A Mormon? That shows a tremendous lack of good judgment right there. Nobody wants to party with a fucking Mormon, man.


I can’t believe you’re even thinking of breaking up with Barack for this nerdy dweeby square, man. Are you honestly that upset with Barack?

Did you think you guys were going to hook up and he was immediately going to fix THE ENTIRE ECONOMY in four years? Especially with you nagging him every step of the way? Be honest, you haven’t exactly made things any easier for him. I think deep down you’re still a little weirded out about dating a black guy and so you flip out and don’t even realize that you’re being a teensy weensy bit racist. It’s okay. You’ll be fine. Just stop nagging Barack and let him do his fucking job!


And in his defense he did get a health care bill passed that will make sure poor people can go to the hospital and tracked down and killed Bin Laden. Remember, the 9-11 guy?

But what has he done for you lately, right?

I know Barack didn’t get it all done in 4 years, but at least he isn’t a huge dick head like this Mitt guy. Christ, that guy is such a fucking nob.

Please don’t revenge fuck this Mitt Romney guy, because like all revenge fucks you wake up the next day regretting your actions, but you’ll be stuck with this asshole for 4 years.

And he is an asshole. A huge asshole. I can’t even describe what an enormous fucking asshole this guy is. ASSHOLE.

If you want to talk, I’ll be here right next door. Come by for a beer.You only need to be 19 to drink here!

No. The OTHER neighbor. The one up North! Sheesh!


Your pal,


See Dylan Rhymer’s live stand-up comedy special http://ow.ly/c0kUB