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January 13, 2017

7. Ask yourself this: Could you kill another man for milk?

1. Buy three gallons of milk per person per inch of snow
2. You need more bread. Cold teeth may become too brittle to eat anything other than bread
3. Be sure to eat your own loaf of bread before assisting others
4. Forget about school, or even the concept of education. They are luxuries reserved for tropical climates
5. Before shoveling snow, consider your physical condition. Surely you can overpower someone else and make them do it
6. Clean your chimney. You will need the extra storage space for all the bread
7. Ask yourself this: Could you kill another man for milk?
8. Ask yourself this: Could you fend off any soccer mom willing to do the same?
9. Do not block vents. They may be your only escape route from snow bandits
10. Winterize your vehicle. As a rule of thumb, you shouldn’t be driving anything white after Labor Day
11. A winter storm warning means hazardous weather is imminent
12. A winter storm watch is issued 12 hours before hazardous weather
13. A winter storm advisory voids all federal and state laws inside grocery stores
14. Regularly post photos of your dog so everyone knows he’s okay
15. Keep your phone fully charged. How else will you take photos of your dog?
16. Stay indoors if you can. To calm anxiety, use the meditative exercise of typing a short, simple phrase on a typewriter over and over
17. Your phone’s weather app is copyrighted by the Weather Channel for the private use of their audience. Any screenshots, descriptions, or accounts of the weather without the Weather Channel’s consent is prohibited
18. If you don’t have a small child to dress up for snow photos, borrow a neighbor’s
19. You can never brake too hard
20. Remember water, in the sense that it’s just melted snow. So plenty available
21. Keep a full tank of gas. You can use that stuff as a weapon if the neighbors try to raid your milk
22. Avoid traveling on icy roads, but if you do, the government has spread plenty of salt to replenish your energy along the way
23. Bridges ice before roads, which is why you should only use bridges that are covered with roads
24.This is no time for cups. Pouring into cups costs valuable milk-drinking time
25. If you’re traveling away from home, leave the thermostat no lower than 55 degrees Fahrenheit. And your door unlocked. Much obliged - Your friendly local hobos
26. If you lose control of your vehicle, let Jesus take the wheel, but you still handle the pedals. He’s in sandals, and his feet are numb
27. Remember elderly neighbors. You’ll eventually require more meat to put between all that bread
28. Remember pets too. No, not to eat, you monster! To track down the old people
29. Stockpile a 7-day supply of medication, especially ones you’ve been waiting to try. Cops are going to be way too busy with all the car wrecks and stuff
30. Ponds and lakes freeze from the bottom up. So if you see ice on top, you’re good
31. Send the largest member of your group out on a frozen body of water first. They have the most surface area
32. Touch any outdoor poles with the back of your tongue first to check if they’re too cold to lick
33. For extra protection, cover your windows with plastic from the inside. And tin foil from the outside. In this day and age, the snow is probably bugged
34. Allow faucets to drip. Otherwise, the eerie silence of the snowy landscape may drive you mad
35. Dress in layers. Taking ninety minutes to undress may prevent fatal boredom
36. If you weren’t thoughtful enough to buy your children a sled beforehand, legally you must perform the duties of a sled
37. Can’t text in mittens
38. The proper name for a knit cap is a toblerone
39. Watch for signs of hypothermia: disorientation, incoherence, slurred speech, drowsiness, and memory loss. These symptoms should remain reserved for alcohol
40. A fireplace is really any place you want there to be fire
41. If you’re trapped in a vehicle, move around to maintain heat… baby
42. In case of internet loss, go ahead and print out plot summaries of Netflix shows you were planning to watch
43. Have a flashlight. Great hiding place for emergency booze
44. Buy candles. In the arctic apocalypse, candles are like currency
45. If you start to slide while driving on ice, turn into the Skid. The Skid is the name of your fearless extreme sports/ street racing alter ego
46. Wear waterproof boots. Bloodproof if you’re headed to the grocery store
47. Put chains on your tires. In theory, this is about traction in the snow, but in reality, it’s about people knowing you’re cool and into alternative rock
48. Watch out for black ice
49. Also, red ice. What happened there? Something bad
50. Watch out for all colors of ice equally