*SOMETHING IS AMISS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. ! PRESIDENTIAL DOG BO OBAMA HAS GONE MISSING AND FIRST LADY MICHELLE HAS ASSEMBLED A CRACK TEAM OF SUPER-SLEUTHS TO SOLVE THE CASE! CONSISTING OF FOUR BARELY QUALIFIED MISMATCHED TEENAGERS, AND A DOG, AS WELL AS ONE CANINE, THE MYSTERY INC. GANG IS ...
Okay, gang! Listen up! First Lady Obama said that the last place anybody saw Bo was right here in the White House! So keep your eyes peeled for clues!
You got it, Fred!
Wow, I can’t believe we’re in the Oval Office. Former President Martin Van Buren sat right here.
Like, what’s wrong with Scoob?
He’s probably just a little worried to be in Washington. The liberal elite media reported a story about presidential candidate Mitt Romney strapping the family dog to the roof of their Chevrolet Caprice for 12 hours once in 1983.
It’s alright, Scoob. We’d never strap you to the top of the Mystery Machine.
Check this out, gang. A press clipping on President Obama’s desk about the so-called D.C. DOG EATER!
Who else? FOX News!
That fits! Hopefully we can still get to Bo before the D.C. Dog-Eater gets him ... Well, Scooby, what do you say?
Do you want to go after the D.C. Dog-Eater?
Recause! Re reats rogs, rupid!
Wait a post-racial America equivalent of the expression cottonpickin’ minute... Why would President Obama be reading a press clipping by FOX News?
Because it’s important to be well-rounded in the media, and to see a news story from every angle?
But, like, even I don’t believe anything written by FOX News, and I’m a paranoid stoner with a neck beard. Trust me, there’s no such thing as the D.C. Dog-Eater...
*SUDDENLY, THE D.C. DOG-EATER APPEARS BEHIND SHAGGY!*
He’s, like, right behind me, isn’t he?
How did you know?
Because, I’m like, super used to this by now. Also paranoid all the time.
MUST EAT DOG! MUST EAT DOG!
*THE D.C. DOG-EATER CHASES THE GANG AND STUMBLES ON THE PRESIDENTIAL BOOKSHELF! A BOOK FALLS OPEN!*
Hmm... it says here in President Obama’s 1995 autobiography “Dreams of my Father” ... that President Barack Obama... used to eat dog meat as a child in Indonesia!
Then that must mean that the D.C. Dog-Eater is ...
*THEY PULL OFF A MASK TO REVEAL ... THE 44th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!*
Yes we can eat dog!
But why, Obama? Why?
Reah, rhy? Rhat re ruck? I roted ror rou rin ro-eight!
Wait a minute...something’s not quite right here. There’s a zipper on the back of President Obama’s head. Let’s see who this Obama really is!
*ANOTHER MASK REVEALS THAT IT’S NORTH KOREAN HAND-ME-DOWN DICTATOR, KIM JONG-UN!*
I eat dog.
Of course! If there’s one world leader who likes to eat, and has probably eaten a dog before, it’s Kim Jong-Un!
Well , I’ve eaten a hot dog, but I am blindly ignorant to other cultures, I can tell you that much.
Would gotten away with it if not for meddling capitalists.
Why would Kim Jong-Un be impersonating Barack Obama?
Trying to get cave on missile defense.
*THE REAL PRESIDENT OBAMA, HIS LOVELY WIFE MICHELLE, AND HIS PUPPY BO STRIDE INTO THE ROOM!*
Not gonna happen.
The real President Obama!
Yep. I want you to know that I’m not going to cave to North Korea on missile defence any time soon. I will never cave on the things that matter, because despite what you might have read, I am not a terrorist that hates America.
I knew my dad was wrong about you and certain other issues!
You sure are smart, son. You’ve got quite the chiseled jaw. Maybe one day you could be President.
You really think?
Can I be the First Lady?
We’ll see how I feel by then. I want to be a Senator, for sure.
So where was Bo all this time?
I was dousing him in tomato sauce. Because he got sprayed by a skunk!
So you, like, never ate a dog?
Oh, no. I did. It was Indonesia in the ‘70s. Everything flies over there.
But you don’t eat them anymore, right?
Nope. And when healthcare reform finally passes, you can be assured that absolutely no puppy blood is used in my new patented medicines.
Well, that’s a relief. Hey, I meant to ask you about a certain substance in reference to its legality when used medically...?
Hey, we’re all young once. We all get glaucoma sometimes. You know, kids. I’m not the only person to ever eat a dog. I’m not even the only one in this race to have done so.
No! Have you ever seen Callista Gingrich or Ann Romney? Bow-wow!
*TOGETHER, THEY LAUGH! RAUCOUS APPLAUSE AND UPBEAT HANNA-BARBERA MUSIC!*