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Published December 31, 2010 More Info »
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Published December 31, 2010

From: Edward Fortune
To: All Staff
Subject: It's That Time of Year

 

Later today, my daughter will be making the rounds of the office to sell Girl Scout Cookies. In order to help expedite sales, I am reaching out to you to let you know you will be targeted. Any questions you may have can be answered by the following FAQ.

 

Does it trouble you that the Girl Scouts of America has basically turned your daughter into a cookie pimp?

Well, yeah, it kind of does. But she seems to like being a “brownie.” She gets a uniform and they meet and do fun things together. There are no boys, not a hint of slutastic culture, and the cookies are good. So, basically, if the worst they are doing is turning her into a capitalist, I can live with that. Though, honestly, they even have a sales incentive program. If you sell a thousand – a thousand! – boxes of cookies you get, like, an $80 dollar gift certificate. My daughter is looking the sheet over and thinking how many doorbells do I have to ring to get that prize. Honey, I’ll give you the $80, ok?

 

Weren’t the notorious Nazi SA also “brownies?”

Brownshirts are not the same as brownies. For one thing, the brown garment in the Girl Scout uniform is a vest, not a shirt. And for another thing, take it easy there, cupcake. They are Girl Scouts. It’s not a right-wing plot to control the minds of America’s girls. Unless seeing the 8th grade production of All That Jazz constitutes mind control.

 

But don’t they mention God in the Girl Scout oath?

Yes, yes, somewhere in there the word God appears. But look, this is New York City, ok? My daughter is growing up in the most left-wing, god-hating, vice-ridden city on earth. I don’t mind hedging my bets.

 

If you’re really interested in hedging your bets and NYC is so bad, maybe you should move?

Maybe you should shut up.

 

How much are the cookies?

Four dollars a box.

 

That’s a lot.

What are you talking about? Four dollars won’t get you a bowl of cat meat at a Tajik agora. Have you heard of quantitative easing?

 

No. What is quantitative easing?

It basically means printing money. Which ultimately means hello Weimar. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantitative_easing. Bottom line, four bucks for a box of cookies is going to look real cheap when a square of toilet paper costs a wheelbarrow of $100 bills.

 

I’m Tajik and/or an animal lover and I am offended by your “cat meat” reference.

Omigod, look, forget I said anything ok? Let’s just pretend that I wrote cow meat and American mall. You see my point?

 

Yeah, that you hate Tajiks and cats.

Ugh. While it is true that I generally don’t like cats, I don’t believe that Tajiks actually consume them. In fact, there is some evidence that Felis cattus was originally domesticated by the Persians. And you can’t swing a cat in Persia without hitting a Tajik.

 

Yah.

Ok.

 

I spend my meager salary on booze/drugs and women/men, do you make any accommodation for those in need?

Yes. We have a program we call “Eddie’s Kids.” A registered 503 (b), Eddie’s Kids strives to improve the lives of the young and/or profligate by subsidizing the purchase of Girl Scout Cookies. Members of the board of directors of Eddie’s Kids include romantic comedy megastar Jennifer Aniston, well-connected Washington lawyer Vernon Jordan, and indicted billionaire and former Obama “car czar” Steve Rattner.

 

Is the reputation of Eddie’s Kids tarnished by the presence on its board of indicted billionaire Steve Rattner?

I think the operative word there is billionaire. That’s with a b, folks.

I don’t like you. Why should I buy cookies from your daughter?

Well, if the words Girl and Scouts and America and Cookies don’t do it for you, there’s a rusted Studebaker waiting for you in Havana, comrade. In the meantime, simply reply to this email to be removed from the list. Please include the words “F*** off” in the subject line.

 

How much collective company time do you think will be wasted with the writing of this FAQ and the time it takes for people to read it?

Well, it took about 20 minutes to write. And I’m sending it to a lot of people. If you assume a 50% read-rate, I’m going to go with a lot.

 

So what do I do if I want cookies?

Nothing. Just wait around and we’ll find you.

 

What if I want to apply to be a part of Eddie’s Kids?

Hit me back with an e-mail.

 

I have more questions, who do I contact?

Contact help@Ihateamerica with the words “lost soul” in the subject line.

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