Washington, DC — Apart from her use of psychics and ritual seances, Nancy Reagan was seen as the one member of the Reagan family above scandal, criticism, or even drama. That image was shattered by new revelations that the First Lady had a long, lurid affair with actor Gary Coleman.
Details of the affair appear in Bob Woodward's new biography, Diff'rent Strokes: Nancy, Gary, 132 Rooms, 35 Bathrooms, 8 Staircases, and 3 Elevators.
At a press conference promoting the book, Woodward issued a challenge to reporters. "Try and name a place where Gary Coleman and Nancy Reagan DIDN'T have sex!"
"On the White House lawn!"
"On the rug with the Presidential Seal."
"Too easy! C'mon!"
"The Air and Space Museum!"
"I probably shouldn't say this, but Gary Coleman butt-fucked Nancy Reagan in a Lunar Lander."
If these allegations are true, it would appear the First Lady was busy telling America to just say "No" while she herself was saying "Yes" to an ongoing affair with a black guy nearly half her height who routinely snorted coke off her ass.
"Drugs ruined their relationship," explained Woodward. "After Gary became addicted to crack, Nancy started her anti-drug program. She didn't know Gary was still getting crack from her friends in the CIA."
A former White House staffer spoke about the affair on condition of anonymity. "Look, it all started as a Republican PR campaign, code-named Some of My Best Friends are Black. We gave an award to Michael Jackson, that went fine. Then along came Gary Coleman. I'll never forget the day he stepped out of the Lincoln Bedroom in a shiny gold thong and said, 'Smell my finger!'"
Others took a more sanguine view. Senator Al Franken observed, "When you take a step back and consider that Ronald Reagan screwed Elizabeth Taylor when she was 15, I think it all works out in the wash. Good for Nancy, y'know? Who wouldn't want to give Gary Coleman a blow job in the Spirit of St. Louis?"