Concern is on the rise within the U.S.O.C. amid reports that a "blinding majority" of Americans are "Whatevs" about the 2012 Olympics this summer in London.
This comes as a surprise to many after the committee had promised earlier in the week that during the games, LeBron James would "Probably dunk all over some poor slob from some third world country."
However, these reports have only served to aggravate the U.S.O.C., and they have responded by threatening to "Bludgeon you freedom-haters with coke commercials" and "put those rings on all sorts of shit until you care about them." One former olympian we contacted commented, "It's terrible that nobody cares. If it wasn't for the olympics I never would have peaked at age fifteen." Shortly afterwords she added, "Do you wanna buy a bronze medal?"
While one official lobbied to have NASCAR included in the upcoming games in order to "Show those sissies on bicycles how we race in America," another suggested that if necessary, the U.S.O.C. would "Find Kerry Strug wherever she's waiting tables, break her goddamn leg and throw her at a pommel horse if it makes you people happy."