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June 23, 2011

Six really bad ways to get caught

  1.  Catching a beat:  Obvious one to start us off.  Catching a woman masturbating is extremely sexy and extremely rad.  Catching a man masturbating is like watching a monkey in a zoo.  You see, men have to beat off almost every day whether they want to or not.  It's like hanging dry wall.  Nobody wants to hang dry wall, but you've got to put food on the table.   You've got to grab your lunch pale, put on your hard hat, and go to work on yourself.  Getting the job done, more often than not, is not sexy.  When men masturbate they turn into a mix of prehistoric man, Igor, and Quasimodo.  If I got caught looking like that I'd scurry off to cower in the corner like a scared chimp from Project X.

2.  Rifling through the pantie drawer:  This is a tough one to make excuses for.  What do you say?  "I was looking for a screwdriver."  And if you get caught sniffing the panties you might as well just cop to having a pantie fetish.  Complete honesty is the only way to go.  "I had to blow my nose" or "I thought this was a towel" aren't gonna cut it.  She'll think you're a creepy sexual deviant.  You've been called worse.  Whatever you do, don't get caught combining 1 & 2.

3.  Old lady in the check out line:  When you were younger somebody you knew would catch you buying cigarettes or beer.  You knew, at that point, a large portion of the town would never think the same of you.  You were finally becoming the bad kid.  When you became of age, you started to get caught buying embarrassing ointments, lubes, and medicine.  You didn't even need to know the person seeing you buy the herpes or hemorrhoid cream.  Just knowing that someone else knows that your ass, pussy, or dick ain't up to code is enough to ruin your day.

4.   Up shit creek:  You nasty fuck, you just clogged the toilet at your girlfriend's friends dinner party.   What are you gonna do?  The first thing I always do is pray for a plunger.  Inevitably, the host wont have a plunger because she's a petite little yoga instructor that doesn't take massive shits.  That's why her toilet gets clogged so easily.  It's not use to the kind of payload you just dropped.  It's familiar with cute little rabbit turds, not 3 foot long coiled boa constrictors that jut out of the water like a small volcanic island off the coast of Hawaii.  You have three options; Run like the dickens and cut your losses, shovel the shit out the window or down the sink, or own up to the shit and take the beating.

5.  Lady Gaga:  This is when a dude gets caught watching shit like Lady Gaga, Oprah, or DWtS.  Sometimes you just get wrapped up in Gaga.  She puts a spell on you and you can't turn the goddamn channel no matter how hard you try.  At this moment your roommate enters the room and says something like, "Sweet bro" and you respond with, "Oh...I wasn't really watching anything.  You want the remote."  Ya right.  You fucking liar, you wanted to see how that makeover was gonna turn out.

6.  Elevator Fart:  Sometimes you just plain have to fart.  Sometimes this is in a tight spot like an elevator, a hallway, or a break room.  You wait until everyone leaves then you let that disgusting rotten egg/smoked ham fart squeeze hot out of your butt cheeks.  That's tropical jungle heat coming out of your ass.  Just as that hot egg fart is half out of your ass, the hottest chick you work with slides her hand between the elevator doors and says, "Thanks for holding it".  But you didn't hold it.  You hid in the corner of the elevator and prayed to God that nobody would enter.  She's just entered the eye of the hurricane.  There's absolutely no way she doesn't smell this putrid stench that came out of the guy, who one minute ago, she wanted to go on a date with.  She thought you were really cute.  Not now, not ever.