Hello, class of 2017! It is I, Guy Fieri, mayor of Flavor Town and the owner of over 10,000 pairs of sunglasses. Congratulations on your accomplishments so far! Graduating college isn’t an easy task. It took me 7 years to graduate from Flavor University, a school not recognized by any board of education because it “has no licensed teachers” and it “doesn’t exist.” What I’m saying is, I know you’ve worked hard and will continue to do so, and if anyone doesn’t want their diploma, I’ll take it.
A lot of you out there are probably wondering what to do with your lives now. Let me tell you, I’ve been there. Before I landed my show on the Food Network, I was homeless, mistaken as the lead singer of Smash Mouth nearly every day, and my hair wasn’t nearly as spiky as it is now. I was in a bad way. Then I realized something about life, something that I want to tell you all now in case you need inspiration.
Life seems so complicated, but really it only contains three things: Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.
Diners represent the things we want to do in life. For me, those are things like: have a family that doesn’t confuse me with the lead singer of Smash Mouth, wear only shirts with flames on them, and eat at a lot of diners. For you, they’re probably the same. You should always be striving to to visit all of life’s diners!
Drive-Ins, of course, symbolize how we want to be perceived in life. For me, I want to be viewed as an innovator in the disgusting restaurant industry, as someone who could easily be confused for a large porcupine or hedgehog, and as a guy who will ask for donkey sauce in the fanciest of restaurants and break things when I don’t get it. I do not want to be viewed as the lead singer of Smash Mouth. Always be respectful of life’s drive-ins!
That leaves us, class, with Dives. Dives are the things in life that we want to avoid. Personally, I don’t want to ever eat a salad that isn’t covered in some sort of ice cream. I don’t want to have another doctor tell me that my heart pumps ranch dressing instead of blood. And I certainly don’t want random people to come up to me humming “All Star” and expecting me to sing the song. I don’t know the song! I’m not the lead singer of Smash Mouth! I’m Dude Fieri! I mean Person Fieri! I mean Guy Fieri! Anyway, make sure to avoid life’s dives.
That’s all I really know about the world, so despite the fact that this speech was supposed to be 30 minutes, I’m gonna wrap it up like a burrito full of pizza and beer, a dish only available at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar!
Class of 2017, you are the future. You are the hope. You are the change. Go out there and make the world a better Flavor Town for all of us!
Also, if any of you say your commencement speaker was the lead singer of Smash Mouth, I will impale you on one of my bleached hair spikes.