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January 03, 2017

Your poopish behavior is a slap in the face to the people who worked hard on this television show.

This week’s episode of Designated Survivor had some big moments, which you didn’t get to see because you were busy shitting your brains out.

Aaron and Emily kissed


At long last, the White House staffers finally hooked up, which was a satisfying payoff after all the weeks of mounting sexual tension between the pair. A payoff you were not around to enjoy because you apparently thought making a bowel movement was more important than dramatic resolution.

MacLeish is confirmed as Vice President


Hannah failed to show up for the confirmation vote, leaving Hookstratten with no other choice but to go through with the process. Just like that, MacLeish, who may be a terrorist, became the VP. We turned up the volume in hopes you’d be able to hear the dialogue over your own grunts.

An assassin tried to strangle Hannah


After the shocking car accident in last week’s episode (which you also missed cause you were ploppin’), Hannah was in pretty bad shape.

As she regained consciousness, the driver of the other car tried to strangle her. We can certainly understand the urge to strangle someone. If we’re being honest, we experienced similar emotions when you shuffled in front of the screen clutching your midsection and moaning about bad chili.

Who orders an entrée from a bowling alley? The guy who served it was the same dude who sprays down the shoes!

Hannah discovers the plot to assassinate President Kirkman


Do you even like this show? Because it’s honestly kind of weird that you won’t just pause it, or at least rewind when you get back from the john so you can keep up with the storyline. You seem awfully cavalier about missing huge chunks of the program.

A sharpshooter shot at Kirkman


There’s Imodium in the second drawer on the right. We’re starting to get worried. We’ve never seen someone doot so many times during a single hour of riveting television. You look terrible.

MacLeish’s own wife is in on the conspiracy


Your asshole must be on fire right now. There’s no way that much wiping is good for your downstairs situation.

The end credits


Hundreds of people worked really hard to make this show. Your poopish behavior was a slap in the face to each and every one of them.

We took the liberty of tweeting an apology to Kiefer Sutherland on your behalf for all the fecal torpedoes you launched during his really good acting.