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January 18, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In an interview with Oprah that aired on Thursday night, Lance Armstrong publicly admitted to blood doping but called himself "a flawed character." And he wouldn't be the first, especially the taking blood to gain inhuman strength part.

Armstrong went on to say that he'd “spend the rest of his life” trying to earn back America’s trust. Though America might not yet be ready to forgive the man who tricked them into liking the Tour de France.

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti stated this week that he opposes same-sex marriage and adoption. Particularly the adoption part because why are you having children in Italy?

The lead U.S. attorney in Internet activist Aaron Schwartz's case said her office's "conduct was appropriate." Word of warning though: Don't take her comments and post them online for free unless you want to be threatened with wire fraud and 30 years in prison.

The first-ever inventory of flood control systems has found hundreds of faulty structures in 37 states. Said the federal government, "Why didn't we ignore this earlier?"

Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o claims he was the victim of a hoax that led him to believe his girlfriend had died. On the plus side, being a star football player, he can basically get any dead girl he wants.

Coca-Cola will begin airing a two-minute ad defending soda against ties to obesity. Pepsi will begin airing a two-minute ad trying to tie it to anything popular.

The Olympic Committee will reportedly ask Lance Armstrong to return his bronze medal. Just when he'd gotten used to two objects dangling off his body again.

An activist group reports that 106 people, including women and children, were killed in an attack in Syria on Thursday. The UN responded by saying, "That 'sucks,'" making sure to do air quotes.

California ruled that a former pornstar cannot teach middle school. Said the court, "As a public teacher, we feel like she'd be too good at getting screwed."

Scientists announced that the Doomsday Clock will remain unchanged for 2013. Unless you're a child, a Syrian, a Muslim, someone who looks like a Muslim, someone who goes to see movies, someone who rides the bus, someone who rides the subway or someone who rides the subway and looks Muslim.