Star Trek Into Lachrymosity
Or, It Feels Like There Should Be a Colon in This Title
(A Parody of Star Trek Into Darkness)
By: Jennifer E. Pergola, June 11, 2013
(On the random M-class planet Nibiru, a covered-up Kirk runs away from the humanoid inhabitants while carrying a scroll)
Kirk: Talk about getting into the action immediately!
McCoy: (Appears after Kirk stuns a native animal that was to transport them) You bungling buffoon! What are we even doing here?
Kirk: (Throws away the scroll) I don’t know! I should have just started a bonfire on the beach to draw them away from that volcano – why am I so hands-on?
(They run off a cliff and swim to the Enterprise, which is dramatically revealed underwater)
Scotty: The new coat of paint is ruined! Why didn’t we just stay in orbit and have the shuttle fly in from far away? They probably wouldn’t even have noticed!
Kirk: (Blow-drying his body) That’s not how we do things here. How’s the actual mission going?
(On the shuttle)
Sulu: We’re almost at the volcano that will destroy this entire planet unless you neutralize it, Mr. Spock.
Spock: That is “Commander Spock” to you.
Uhura: Be safe, my love. (Tries to make out with him through his helmet)
Spock: You do realize I can only get with you once every seven years?
Uhura: That’s OK – I’ve got enough lovin’ for both of us.
(Spock is abruptly dropped into the volcano, but the spewing lava is too much for the shuttle to wait for him)
Sulu: Gotta run!
Uhura: What am I even doing here?
(She and Sulu swim back to the ship off-screen)
(On the Enterprise)
Kirk: We’ve got to go get Spock!
McCoy: He’d remind you of the Prime Directive of not traumatizing pre-warp civilizations by showing them alien UFOs, and let you burn alive.
Spock: (Having placed himself on a crucifix) Indeed. Let me fry.
Kirk: Since Spock says so – never!
(The Enterprise majestically rises out of the water, traumatizing the pre-warp civilization. Spock is beamed out and his device neutralizes the volcano)
Nibirans: (Worshipping the Enterprise) We have a new god!
The Future: This may come back to bite you. Or not – it’s all good.
Uhura (On communications to Kirk, who is now in the Transporter Room with the beamed-up Spock): Captain, please tell Commander Spock that his selfless sacrifice saved the planet and that I hate him.
Spock: Is she going to whine the whole time?
Kirk: No, but I will.
Scotty: Ah, just another day in the life of The Enterprise Adventures.
(The Enterprise goes to warp with nifty new contrails, adding to space pollution)
(Meanwhile, the real plot begins in non-dystopian London. Parents of a sick girl watch helplessly as she suffers in a hospital. Dad has that look of desperation in his eyes as he ponders the cruelty of life. He stands on an outdoor balcony of the hospital as John Harrison approaches)
Harrison: Desperate Dad at 12:00. (To Dad) I am the Devil and I will buy your soul with your daughter’s life. Long close-up on me… hold it….
Harrison: (Twirls his pitchfork) Excellent. All you need to do is give her some of my blood. Don’t worry: no hepatitis included.
(Meanwhile, at Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco, Kirk’s obligatory sexploits)
Kirk: (Receiving a communication while in bed with two alien women, the stud) Well, ladies, guess it’s back to saving the universe.
Alien Woman 1: Don’t forget you still have the word “WHORE” stamped on your forehead.
Kirk: With pride.
(He and Spock walk to Admiral Pike’s office)
Kirk: So, you think we’re getting medals or just bonuses? Or maybe that five-year mission that translates into a television series?
Spock: I have inside information that we are receiving time-outs.
Kirk: You always think negative. (To passing colleagues) Hi, ladies! (To Spock) They all love me!
Spock: They actually are laughing at you because you have the word “WHORE” literally stamped on your forehead.
Kirk: Right – guess I should wear this professional cap, eh?
(In Pike’s office)
Pike: Bottom line: Spock ratted you out like a good boy.
Kirk: Spock, you ingrate!
Spock: As you would probably say: “Whatevs”.
Pike: Go away, Spock. (Spock leaves; to Kirk) Since I’ve graduated from wheelchair to cane, I can stand while telling you that you’re going back to school to re-learn the rules.
Kirk: How could I be demoted? I’m at the top of my arrogance!
Pike: Exactly. I’m disappointed in you, surrogate son – you disgrace the name of Starfleet.
Kirk: You’re all just jealous `cause I’m too cool for school! Has everyone forgotten what I did last movie?
Pike: Yes. And you’re still a brat.
Kirk: Oh all right, I’ll go get some humility if it’ll make you feel better.
(Back in London, Dad injects the stranger’s blood into his daughter’s future I.V. and she improves; no word on how her newly acquired unsightly body hair will affect her, though. Mom sleeps in deliberate deniability)
Dad: (Kissing unconscious Daughter farewell) Daddy’s got to go be a terrorist now, honey. Try not to remember that bit about me.
(Dad takes a ring that was in the container with the healing blood and wears it to the Kelvin Memorial Archive, another reminder of the previous movie. He exchanges a meaningful look with Harrison before going inside. Dad sends a message to Admiral Marcus, drops the ring into a glass of water, and the place explodes)
London: Just what we need – more bombings.
(Back in San Francisco, Kirk goes straight to the local bar and flirts with a random woman)
Kirk: Yep, I have learned nothing. (Pike sits next to him) Oh, you blocker.
Pike: I spoke with Admiral Marcus: I have the Enterprise back, but Spock’s been transferred. I did you no favors by making you my first officer.
Kirk: I am genuinely touched. I think I can straighten out my life from now on – I won’t let you down!
Pike: (Receives a message) We captains and first officers have all been summoned to a super-secret council at the Daystrom Institute.
Kirk: And there goes my resolve.
(They arrive at the late-night meeting)
Spock: (To Kirk) At least we were not fired.
Kirk: When I break the rules to save lives, Spock, you are not supposed to snitch on me! The greater good is at stake!
Spock: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, No-Longer-Captain Kirk. And you know my entire species consists of truth-tellers.
Kirk: Your other species consists of flat-out liars – think about that next time. My best friend! (Stalks off, sobbing)
(The meeting begins)
Admiral Marcus: So, an archive in London was bombed by a Desperate Dad who sent me a message beforehand saying exactly who’s behind it – John Harrison, a Section 31 agent gone bad. We have no idea why.
Kirk: (To Pike as he looks at photos of the aftermath) Yeah, especially since he only blew up the local library.
Pike: Those late fees are brutal.
Kirk: What is with that important-looking bag he’s bringing onto that dinky little ship?
Marcus: Did you already figure out the whole master plan, Kirk, hmm? I would really like to know.
Kirk: Well, other than the death and destruction, it just seems pointless. Unless it was to get all the top brass together in one room. Like we are. At this very moment.
Harrison: (In the dinky little ship flying outside the meeting room window) That’s my cue! (He shoots up the place)
Female Top Officer: (Shot in the leg) These skirts really are a hindrance, guys!
(Kirk finds ingenious ways to shoot back and disable the ship, which does not explode on impact as one would have for any other villain. The ship instead crashes without Harrison in it: he materializes in a random place and scurries away. Meanwhile, the disabled Pike didn’t stand a chance)
Pike: (Dying) Spock, help!
Spock: Certainly. (Mind melds with Pike)
Pike: I didn’t give you permission. (Dies confused)
(Kirk runs over and sees the dead Pike)
Kirk: No, Replacement Daddy! You bring out the manly tears in me! (To Spock) This one isn’t on me, right?
Spock: Let me look ahead and see whether your previous actions directly or indirectly caused this. (Scans future revelations) Nope, since this mess started with Vulcan imploding in the last movie, which was done to punish Old Spock for not being quick enough to save Romulus, I concur that this one technically is on him. Again. Should I say sorry?
(The next day)
Scotty: (Carrying a piece of equipment to Kirk and Spock) He used a transwarp transporter to get away! You know that means I’m responsible for this mess now, too?
Kirk: We’ll talk about that later.
(Kirk and Spock burst in on a group meeting with Admiral Marcus)
Kirk: Sir! Harrison beamed himself to Kronos!
Marcus: Everybody out. (The meeting leaves; he brings Kirk and Spock to his office) How unfortunate that this new enemy sent himself to the Klingon homeworld; we just happen to be waiting to start a war with them any day now.
Kirk: First I’m hearing of it, but OK.
Marcus: Harrison’s a menace who must be destroyed – off the books, of course.
Kirk: Agreed. What’s with the model of that deadly-looking starship?
Marcus: Ignore it! Just FYI, the “archive” was where Harrison was making weapons like these nifty new photon torpedoes in the course of his Section 31 duties. (Displays a model of a photon torpedo) As his punishment, you should go to the edge of the Neutral Zone and obliterate him with his own creations. You can have the Enterprise back to do this, if it’ll make you happy.
Kirk: I love a good hit – justice, I mean justice. Can I also have Spock back as first officer?
Marcus: Sure. Since my protégé Pike is dead, can I be your Replacement Replacement Daddy?
Kirk: Aw, I’d love that!
Spock: Can I say something?
Marcus and Kirk: (Hugging) No.
(On a shuttle taking Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and others back to the Enterprise)
McCoy: (To Kirk) I need to do your post-traumatic physical.
Kirk: Do it on the road. (Strips so McCoy can do the physical)
Spock: Captain, in the heat of the moment, you may not have noticed that we have been ordered to commit cold-blooded murder.
Kirk: Harrison is a murderer himself, so it’s really a state-sanctioned execution.
Spock: Without a trial.
Kirk: He doesn’t deserve one!
Spock: Then where does it stop?
Kirk: Spock, your morality is so boring!
(Carol enters the shuttle)
Carol: Captain Kirk?
Kirk: Yes, pretty lady?
Carol: I’m Dr. Carol Wallace – your boss ordered me to be your science officer.
Spock: That is odd – no ship can have more than one science officer. It’s in the bylaws.
Carol: I specialize in weapons!
Kirk: A girl who knows guns: all my favorite things. You can sit in this handy empty seat between me and Spock.
Spock (To Carol): Enemy. It is fortunate that I already have a girlfriend or else our rivalry could have that extra complication of romantic tension, and who needs that?
(In Engineering on the Enterprise)
Scotty: Captain, I’m not letting these photon torpedoes on board without knowing that what’s inside them can’t kill us, much like our extremely radioactive warp core. Don’t notice the foreshadowing on that last bit.
Kirk: Scotty, your logic is so boring!
Scotty: Doesn’t it bother you that scientists are assigned to assassinate someone? And not to beat a dead horse, but it was my transwarp transporter equation, utilized in the previous film, that was acquired by Starfleet and used by that terrorist! I feel guilty now, too!
Kirk: Don’t let things like that bother you. We need those torpedoes: just do what I do and rubber-stamp everything.
Scotty: This is how lawsuits succeed! I quit!
Scotty: Seriously? You’re going to let me go just like that? You’d better hope you need me on the outside later.
(Kirk and Uhura take a turbolift to the Bridge)
Uhura: Sorry about Pike – I never had much screen time with him.
Kirk: Yeah – did you know that Scotty just quit and Spock thinks I’m a murderer?
Uhura: I hate that Spock!
Kirk: I’m talking about actual problems right now. But yeah, he’s been a real noodge lately.
(Doors open to reveal Spock)
Kirk: Uhura and I have a club now. You can’t join it. (To Chekov) You’re the new Chief of Engineering – put on a red shirt and prepare to die.
Chekov: There are so many things wrong with that statement. (Five seconds later, he has changed his shirt color and taken over Engineering)
Kirk: (Addresses the crew on the overhead) Attention, shipmates: we’re going to the Neutral Zone to – (Significantly looks at Spock) – arrest John Harrison for being an all-around boil on our backside. We’ll then take him back to Earth where he can be executed properly. Toodles. (Ends announcement) That more humane, Spock?
Spock: I can look you in the eye again, at least.
(They warp to the Neutral Zone. In Engineering, Carol is examining one of the torpedoes)
Spock: Hello, nemesis.
Carol: Mr. Spock! Just examining the artillery.
Spock: So I see, Dr. Marcus.
Carol: How did you find me out?
Spock: I read the pre-release movie articles where you were constantly billed as Dr. Carol Marcus.
Carol: Right. I only snuck on board because I think something sinister is going on, though.
Spock: Then maybe this will be a little secret between us. What is going on, then?
Carol: Well –
(The Enterprise slams out of warp)
Kirk: Chekov! Stuff like that is not supposed to happen during banal dialogue!
Chekov: I had to slam the brakes because the radiator is leaking! I can’t believe I’m taking the fall for this and not Scotty!
Kirk: It’s OK, I’ll blame him in the end.
Sulu: We’re a bit too far away from Kronos for comfort, sir.
Kirk: Time for our disguises! Uhura, you know any Klingon?
Uhura: How can you ask me that?
Kirk: All right, you and Spock will fly in with me [oh no, I’ve trapped myself in a small space with The Bickersons]. Sulu – you’re captain for now. Take the conn, send out a threatening message to Harrison, and if he doesn’t answer in three seconds, shoot him with our entire arsenal. That should satisfy both our ethics and our bloodlust.
Sulu: Me, in the big chair? I never thought it would happen this soon. (Takes the big chair and makes an overhead announcement) Attention – this is acting CAPTAIN Sulu. An away team will fly in our Mudd shuttle from The Original Series to go get the villain. If they don’t come back, I’m taking over for good.
(The shuttle with the trio and the Red Shirts flies down to Kronos while the Enterprise loads up its menacing weaponry)
Sulu: (Transmitting to Harrison’s location) We know you’re there, and we’ve got photon torpedoes ready to fly at you. Come out with a white flag and I will spare you having to FACE MY WRATH! (Ends transmission)
Harrison: (On Kronos) Child, please – don’t talk to me about Wrath.
McCoy: (To Sulu) I think he bought it!
(On Muddy shuttle)
Spock: We are closing in on his position.
Uhura: Silent treatment.
Spock: Pardon? I cannot hear inanity.
Kirk: Oh, here we go.
Uhura: It’s all right, I can handle an unfeeling, uncaring, selfish do-gooder!
Spock: I apologize, Lieutenant – could you tell me what was the exact star date when you changed your name from Nyota Uhura to BITCHY McNAG?
Uhura: I am an emotional, full-blooded human female – deal with it. Kirk agrees with me.
Kirk: Now, don’t – actually, Spock, you are an unfeeling, uncaring – !
Spock: For the love of Hephaestus, how can you immature beings twist my sacrificing myself for an entire planet at the way beginning of the film into me not caring about you? Remove your craniums from your posteriors! Besides, I felt plenty when I mind-raped Pike as he was dying.
Uhura: Aw, honey, I forgive you now!
(They are attacked by Klingon warbirds)
Kirk: They’re going to have to kill me first!
Uhura: Or I could actually do something useful and talk to them.
Kirk: Or that.
(They land and Uhura meets the Klingons)
Klingon: <Your Klingon accent better sound confrontational, else we won’t take you seriously.>
Uhura: <Growl, growl, why do you have forehead ridges now instead of in future time? I mean: here’s the truth. Like it or lump it.>
Klingon: (Chokes her) <The truth will do the exact opposite of setting you free!>
(Kirk and Co. rush out, but someone else with better guns fights for them. Three guesses on who it is)
Kirk: (Seeing the carnage Harrison has caused) Wow, glad he’s on our side for once.
Harrison: (Unveils himself, kicking aside Klingon body parts) How many photon torpedoes do you have pointed at my head right now? I need an exact number.
Kirk: Seventy-two, which is an odd amount, I know –
Harrison: I surrender!
Kirk: What? This can’t be right – are you pulling a Joker on us and being captured is just part of your complicated evil plan?
Harrison: How could my abrupt submission possibly make you question my motives?
Kirk: All right, then stand still while I beat you in revenge for killing my Replacement Daddy. (Beats Harrison in the equivalent of beating a brick wall) Why are my hands breaking, and not his face?!!
Uhura: Captain! This is the exact embodiment of revenge only hurting the person seeking it!
Kirk: It wouldn’t be if he weren’t a super man!
Harrison: (Applying gel to his hair) Are you done yet?
Kirk: No. (Flicks Harrison’s forehead) Now I am.
(Back on the Enterprise, Harrison is escorted in Hannibal Lector restraints to the Brig. Carol watches the procession)
Carol and Harrison: Weren’t you in Starter for 10?
Uhura: (Goes on her toes to Spock) Plant one on me, in front of everyone, and I’ll allow you to call me shortie again.
Spock: (Plants one on her) So unprofessional. And you constantly fail to understand that I feel nothing for you warmer than friendship except during Pon Farr season. Which is still not now.
(On the Bridge)
Kirk: Send a message to Starfleet that we have Harrison and are temporarily marooned on the edge of Klingon space. That should get a number of people angry for a number of reasons.
(Kirk, Spock, and McCoy visit Harrison in the Brig)
McCoy: (Swings over a hole in the cell wall to Harrison) Stick your arm out so I can drain you.
Harrison: Right-ho. (Sticks his arm out and chokes McCoy) Kidding! (Lets him go and allows McCoy to phlebotomize him) So, James The Kirk, you were in such a hurry before: what’s with the ship’s non-motion?
Kirk: If I feel like taking a rest, that is none of your business.
Harrison: Or maybe I’m not the only villain in this film you have to deal with.
Kirk: You’re enough, thanks. (Stalks off with Spock)
Harrison: Heed my serpent’s song, else you will all perish!
Spock: Oldest trick in the book, sir.
Kirk: But if I don’t heed and we all perish, he’ll say, “I told you so”! (Stalks back to Harrison) Fear my emoting wrapped up in self-control, as I communicate my forbearance in blasting you to Kingdom Come!
Harrison: Silly boy, not recognizing a conspiracy when he’s smack dab in the middle of one. Check out these numbers. (Rattles off some numbers)
Kirk: Are those the numbers? You know, for the button? In the hatch?
Harrison: You have Lost me. Go away now.
(Kirk stalks off again and makes a roaming call to Scotty)
Scotty: (In an intergalatically seedy bar; to Keenser) I will whine about those ingrates until the day I die, all right?
Keenser: I at least had lines in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Scotty: (Receives the trunk call) Well, listen who it is: Captain “Too Big for His Britches” Kirk.
Kirk: Scotty, I am not going to say “Sorry”. Ever. Check out these numbers. (Rattles off some numbers)
Scotty: Are those the numbers?
Kirk: I looked them up, and no.
Scotty: So who cares?
Kirk: Just go!
Scotty: Only because I have no more money.
(On the Bridge)
Kirk: Right, my crew, now what do we do?
Spock: I think Admiral Marcus’s daughter Carol should crack open one of those photon torpedoes.
Kirk: She’s his daughter? This is what memos are for, people!
(Kirk confronts Carol on their way to a shuttle)
Kirk: It’s not fair for me to have the hots for you after I met your father – I keep seeing his face whenever I talk to you now. And did you grow up with a different accent than his just to throw me off?
Carol: Sorry about the fraud, but the torpedoes are bad news and he won’t tell me why.
Kirk: Sounds plausible, so I won’t have to suspect you being a spy.
Carol: By the by, your ex-girlfriend Christine Chapel says “Hi,” which is the only way she’ll appear in any of these films – can’t have too many women here, now can we. And on that note, don’t peek as I get almost-naked changing into more appropriate attire.
Kirk: Why would I? (Peeks)
Carol: My expository dialogue is lost in this gratuitous scene: we’ll open up a torpedo on a mini-planet so I’ll be the only one to get blown up.
Kirk: And let the galaxy lose a babe? Never!
Carol: All right, then I need someone with “steady hands”.
Kirk: Well that’s certainly not me.
(Carol and McCoy land on the planetoid)
McCoy: If I flirt enough, can I get some action?
Carol: Probably not. You’re just too goofy.
(They work on the torpedo until McCoy sets it off. They die in the explosion – or would have, if they weren’t regulars)
Carol: Steady hands, I see.
McCoy: I just wet my pants!
(The men on the ship argue about whether to beam Carol’s hotness off the planetoid and leave McCoy behind with the ticking time bomb. Carol disarms it at the last second and the top hatch opens)
McCoy: I don’t get it – is that guy inside supposed to be the fuel or the explosive?
(The frozen body is examined in the Sick Bay)
Carol: He’s been cryogenically frozen, which is mad old-fashioned.
McCoy: Yeah, as in three centuries old-fashioned. We got us some ancient Walt Disneys here.
(Kirk and Spock rush back to the Brig)
Kirk: Counting you, I have 73 extra extremely old people on board! This is not a flying nursing home!
Harrison: Now do you see that I’m not the real villain here? Certainly, we were genetically engineered to be super better than you are and pretty much killed anyone in our way but we were frozen in a prison ship until Magnum Marcus woke me up and kept everyone else hostage so I could make nasty weapons for him in a manufactured war with the Klingons. Whoo, that’s been on my chest for so long.
Kirk: Don’t tell me that you’re the victim here. Next you’ll start blathering about family.
Harrison: Those frozen ancients are my family! And like Dad from the beginning of the film, being Desperate will justify anything.
Kirk: I can agree with that.
Harrison: Good, because I will now unleash the vilest weapon in my arsenal: tears!
Kirk: No! Not the tears!
Harrison: (Crying, softly) Now, I have something more powerful than your hatred – I have your sympathy.
Kirk: (In horror) You… monster.
Spock: He is a wily one.
Harrison: Time for the big reveal: I – AM – KHAN!
(Insert Audience reaction)
Kirk: That supposed to mean something to me?
Khan: It should – I’m the biggest badass this pre-Borg universe will ever see.
Kirk: Wait, let me get this straight: is this Space Seed or Wrath of Khan?
Spock: Neither. Both.
Khan: So you see, you need me to fight the actual villain; I’m just a patsy. Since you can trust me now, I’ll take your command codes and passwords while we’re here. Just in case.
Kirk: (To Spock) I’ll move him to Sick Bay with a bunch of weak human guards on him. He’ll never try to escape.
Spock: That is what worries me.
(Meanwhile, Scotty arrives at the numbers)
Scotty: (Flying an unauthorized shuttle to a large station parked next to Saturn) Is that the Botany Bay? (A bunch of maintenance ships arrive to enter the superstructure) I’ll sneak in and they’ll never notice. (No one notices him approaching from above them; his shuttle enters and he sees something important) Wow, I actually may not make it out alive from this one. I should’ve stayed at the bar!
(On the Enterprise’s Bridge)
Sulu: There’s another ship approaching.
Kirk: Ooh, rescue? (The Vengeance appears, dwarfing the Enterprise) That doesn’t look friendly.
Marcus: (Appears on-screen) Sonny boy! Got your disturbing message that Harrison was “apprehended” – don’t you mean, “assassinated”?
Kirk: Don’t you mean, “Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan”?
Marcus: Never verbally engage the enemy, how many times do you have to be told? We only used him to make weapons for us because Vulcan imploded last movie and we had to make sure Earth didn’t follow suit. He has no loyalty to his own species whatsoever. Next you’ll be telling me that he did it all for family!
Kirk: (In a small voice) He did mention something about “family”.
Marcus: I have half a mind to demote you again. Now go to your room!
Kirk: Yes, Daddy – wait a minute! You wanted me to shoot people into a planet! You’re sick, man!
Marcus: Collateral damage. It would have been a convenient mass execution – 73 for the price of one. Now hand him over and I’ll take it from here.
Kirk: Sure thing – I’ll get him ready for you. (Ends transmission) Floor it, Sulu!
Sulu: Flooring it, aye!
(The Enterprise warps away)
Khan: You can run, but you can’t hide.
McCoy: You need a better catch phrase than that.
Khan: Don’t worry: it’ll be altered in the trailer.
Carol: (Rushes onto the Bridge) Captain, he’ll catch up!
Kirk: Nonsense, no one defies the physics of physics-defying warp.
(The Vengeance catches up and kicks the Enterprise out of warp; luckily, they are right by Earth)
Chekov: These poor engines can’t take all this abuse!
(Marcus is back on screen)
Kirk: Oh, how morally ambiguous Starfleet Command has become! Have we never evolved beyond evil?
Marcus: No. Since you’re being uncooperative, I’ll blow you all up now. Four hundred for the price of one, he-he!
Kirk: Wait! You fail to realize that I have at last achieved maturity and will hand myself over as the lamb to the slaughter in exchange for everyone else! As Spock says, “The requirements of the multitude are heavier than the requirements of the singleton.”
Spock: (Sniffs) Close enough, sir.
Marcus: I’m so proud of you, kid. But you all gotta die anyway. (Ends transmission)
Kirk: (To the crew) My bad?
Carol: Let me reason with that madman of a father or else we’re all done for! (Hails Marcus) How could I possibly have issued from your villainy? Will crying move you? It seems to work for everyone else.
Marcus: Oh, honey, don’t be such a girl.
Kirk: (Passing tissues around to the boys) Yeah Carol, man up.
Carol: Fine! Go ahead and kill me with the rest of my real family!
Marcus: No dice. (Beams her to the Vengeance)
Uhura: She wasn’t here long enough to establish roots anyway.
(The Vengeance prepares to blow the Enterprise out of the sky, but its weapons shut off at the last moment)
Kirk: (Eyes are squeezed shut) Are we dead yet?
Scotty: (On his communicator from the Vengeance) No, thanks to me!
Kirk: No thanks to you, indeed – you couldn’t have done that five minutes earlier?
Scotty: You try running around this warehouse! I’ll go work on shutting off the gravity now. (Hangs up)
Kirk: New idea to save the day. (Takes the turbolift; Spock follows)
Spock: I know that you are going to partner up with Khan and not me. It is never wise to trust an English villain: they appear refined, until their poison fangs take your head off.
Kirk: Yeah, but you heard him: he’s just an innocent, murdering patsy.
Kirk: You mean baloney? (They enter Sick Bay; to Khan) All right, dish on the Vengeance.
Khan: It’s a lot bigger than your tugboat. And I suppose I’m the only person here who can get around inside it. What have you got for me?
Kirk: Appealing to your whole “crew as family” motif.
Khan: I don’t care about your family. But I’ve got nothing else to do right now.
Kirk: To go completely off-topic: McCoy, what are you doing to that innocuous-yet-important deceased Tribble?
McCoy: Injecting it with Khan’s healing blood for kicks and giggles.
Khan: I object to my precious bodily fluids being used in such a willy-nilly manner.
(The Enterprise’s garbage chute lines up with one of the Vengeance’s access ports so Kirk and Khan can shoot themselves across space to board the latter ship)
Spock: (To Uhura) Lieutenant, could you call New Vulcan for me?
Uhura: Of course.
Spock: See how it easy it is for us to be courteous to each other?
Uhura: And how dull.
(Kirk and Khan suit up and receive their instructions)
Scotty: (On his communicator) Do you understand my serious-sounding metaphor of you shooting yourselves across space to land in a very small area, similar to the one I used in the previous film?
Kirk: Already did a jump like this, also in the previous film. I actually may take a nap this time around, `cause that’s how I roll.
Khan: God, I hate you.
(They turn on their tracking computers and prepare to be sucked out the door)
Kirk: You know you can’t look cooler than me, right?
Khan: Too late for that.
(They are sucked out the door, aiming for the Vengeance. Kirk keeps going off course and debris hits his visor)
Kirk: (Speaking through the windshield cracks) See? If this were anyone else, their face would have exploded by now.
Khan: Don’t… kill him… yet….
(Scotty scurries around preparing to open the door and ties himself to a console. One of the few Vengeance crewmembers on board catches him)
Vengeance Crewmember: I should shoot you right now, but I’d like to hear your story first.
Scotty: Well, it all started when the Enterprise was hiding underwater….
(Kirk and Khan continue to dodge debris, Khan disappears, Kirk loses his tracking computer, and Khan swoops in to steer him correctly. Scotty keeps hearing updates on the two’s progress and opens the door just as the Vengeance crewmember becomes suspicious. The crewmember is sucked out and Kirk and Khan are sucked in)
Scotty: (Closing the door) I probably could have closed it earlier and saved that guy’s life, but no.
(The three arm themselves and walk upstairs to the Bridge)
Khan: You two look like you need the exercise. (Disappears on them)
Scotty: Is he on our side or what?
Kirk: I think I may have allied myself with a dragon who’ll eat us later, so I need you to take him out on my signal.
Scotty: Take him out as in “take him out”, or take him out as in “take him out”?
Kirk: As in “get him out of my way”!
Khan: (Re-appears) Are you two plotting to take me out?
Kirk and Scotty: Whatever gave you that idea?
(On the Bridge of the Enterprise, Old Spock appears on the screen)
Old Spock: Young Alternate Spock – how is life treating you?
Spock: Not well – does the name “Khan” ring a bell?
Old Spock: Some douches are constant in every universe, I see. I was hoping he might have gotten himself melted in this one. Get it, because he was frozen?
Spock: Hm. How do we stop him?
Old Spock: You know, he was our worst foe, and we never got a chance to ask someone how to stop him. We had to do it ourselves.
Spock: Yes, yes, how did you do it?
Old Spock: Actually, he blew himself up. We barely escaped with our lives. Sucks to be you!
Spock: I have noticed.
Old Spock: Is there a picture of him? I want to see if he lost anything to frostbite.
Spock: Here. (Displays a photo)
Old Spock: Oh, you have nothing to worry about – that is not Khan.
Spock: Yes, it is.
Old Spock: No, it is not – Khan Noonien Singh, as evidenced by his name, is Indian by way of Ricardo Montalban. This guy is as English as the Canterville Ghost.
Spock: You have been a big help. (Ends transmission)
(On one of the Vengeance’s decks, a fight with several Vengeance crewmembers ensues. Khan grabs one of them by the legs and swings him through the air to knock out the others)
Kirk: When this is all over, could you give me some self-defense lessons?
Khan: I charge by the minute.
(On the Enterprise)
Spock: (To McCoy) Could you try blowing up one of the torpedoes again?
McCoy: Could I ever! Why?
Spock: I have – a plan…. (Raises an eyebrow mysteriously)
(The trio finally arrives on the Vengeance’s Bridge)
Kirk: (Points his phaser to Marcus) All right, Admiral, your shenanigans are at an end! [Get him now, Scotty.]
Scotty: [Get who when?]
Kirk: [Khan! Now!]
Khan: What are your eyes saying to each other behind my back? (Scotty shoots him unconscious)
Kirk: Now that’s all resolved: I’m arresting you, Mr. Marcus, for your crimes against me, your daughter, humanity, the Klingons, and anybody else you can think of.
Marcus: You need me to start the war you’re too much of a coward to fight in!
Kirk: Please. Know who you’re talking to.
(Khan stealthily wakes up and dispatches Scotty)
Kirk: Scotty! Useless, man!
(Khan slaps Kirk aside and approaches Marcus by way of Carol)
Carol: If you lay one finger on him before I get a chance to, so help me –
Khan: Broke your leg! (Breaks her leg)
Marcus: This isn’t part of the plan!
Khan: (Squeezing Marcus’s head between his hands) I like to improvise.
Marcus: You wouldn’t kill me grotesquely in a fun summer flick!
Khan: Wouldn’t I? (Crushes Marcus’s skull off-screen) Oh yeah, this s*** just got real. Yes, this is modern Trek – we say “s***” now. Twice.
Kirk: Dude, your hands.
Khan: Oh, thanks. (Wipes his gore-covered hands on the still-screaming Carol)
(On the Enterprise)
Sulu: (To Spock) The Vengeance is hailing us.
Spock: Excellent, we must have triumphed.
(On the screen, Khan has Kirk in a headlock)
Kirk: This is so embarrassing.
Khan: Right, Spock, I have your boyfriend, now let my people go!
Spock: As much as I would not want to sacrifice my Captain, releasing the rest of the psychopaths to your custody would be a tactical error on my part.
Khan: Suit yourself as I KILL YOU ALL.
Spock: Upon further consideration, I have decided to take you up on your generous non-offer. You may have your torpedoes.
Khan: No bait-and-switch, mind!
Spock: I am not you, you know.
Khan: No one is. (The torpedoes are beamed over to the Vengeance) And because I am so magnanimous, I’ll send back your three guys before I KILL YOU ALL. (Beams Kirk, Scotty, and Carol to the Enterprise before opening fire on it)
Spock: Blow `em up, Bones! Ooh, I’m even starting to sound like Kirk.
(The torpedoes explode on the Vengeance)
Khan: They double-crossed me? And committed mass murder? I actually have some respect for them, before I scream NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(The Vengeance starts to tilt out of the sky from all of its internal injuries. The Enterprise also starts to tilt, as it now has several holes in it sucking people out)
Spock: All hands, abandon ship! (No one moves) You can go, people.
Sulu: If we stay, that means most of us will survive and the ship will remain intact. Otherwise, it’ll just be tragic.
Spock: I like your logic.
(Everyone buckles themselves in as the ship falls towards Earth. Kirk dumps off Carol in Sick Bay and sees that McCoy actually took out all the frozen people from the torpedoes and kept them on ice)
McCoy: You didn’t think we were that evil, did you? Of course, they can never be revived, so they will just have to remain in a permanent frozen hell.
Kirk: Nice. Time to save everyone again!
(He and Scotty run through a Titanic Inception on their way to Engineering, as the floor constantly rolls beneath them. Kirk watches in horror as crewmembers fall to their deaths past him)
Kirk: My perfect score of zero body count is ruined! Yet another reason for me to hate that guy.
(They fall towards Engineering, rescued from plummeting off a walkway by mighty Chekov)
Chekov: All those push-ups have finally paid off!
(Kirk sends him off to do some random tech thing to help stabilize the ship, leaving the dangerous work to himself)
Kirk: Right, if I fix that thing in the warp core, we’ll all be saved.
Scotty: But if you were listening to me earlier in the film, you can’t go in there because it’s radioactive.
Kirk: You’re absolutely right! Best give up, then! (Nerve pinches McCoy, mind melds with him to transfer his memories, and – wrong universe; he just punches Scotty out and thoughtfully buckles him in. He climbs up to the busted technobabble, losing hair and teeth on the way, and trammels the thing into submission. The Enterprise stabilizes in its free fall through Earth’s clouds and flies out to victory)
Enterprise Crew: Hooray! We’re saved!
Scotty: (On overhead transmission) Spock, if you want to talk to Jimmy, now’s your last chance.
(Everyone knows what that means)
Carol: Drat; I’ll never get to be a notch on his belt.
(Spock runs to the turbolift)
Sulu: Wait, so who has the Bridge? Me again? `Cause I’ll take it.
(Spock arrives at Engineering)
Scotty: We can’t open the door yet without killing us, so we just get to watch him expire.
Spock: (Bends down and sees Kirk lying in the chamber) Bro.
Spock: Something tells me that I should have been the one in there, in that pesky other reality, 20 years from now.
Kirk: You’re welcome.
Spock: Is it too late to say, “I have been and always shall be your friend”?
Kirk: Sorry, I can’t really hear you with all the blood coming out of my ears. My eyes aren’t doing too well, either, not to mention that my skin is melting off.
Spock: If it is any comfort, you look fine from here.
Kirk: My bro!
(They kiss through the glass)
Kirk: Does this mean that I’m a responsible adult now?
Spock: It does indeed.
Kirk: Sweet. (Dies)
Spock: Wrath of Khan!!!!!!!
Dead Kirk: Easy there.
Spock: You should be honored – my own mother and entire planet snuffing it did not even elicit a single sniffle from me.
(The Vengeance is still falling through the sky)
Khan: Is now the time I say, “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee,” and so on? Blast, no one can hear me except the computer. Aim for Starfleet HQ, ship, and annihilate those freakish tourists!
(The Vengeance crashes into San Francisco Bay and takes out a few dozen buildings and people. Khan jumps out of the wreckage and floats gently to the ground)
Chekov: I can’t lock transporters onto him! I’m a convenient failure!
Spock: (Back on the Bridge) Then beam me down – I am the only super-being around who can probably take his whupping. Plus I really would like to kill him.
McCoy: Anyone else wish we had a full-blooded Vulcan on board? You know, for the extra?strength?
Uhura: Ignore him, Spock, and go kick Khan’s ass!
Spock: So unprofessional. But the payback will indeed be a bitch.
(He is beamed into the middle of a pedestrian mall while Khan takes his time selecting the proper trench coat from clothing racks. Spock chases him across San Francisco)
Khan: (Running against traffic) Never thought “jaywalking” would be on my list of crimes.
(Meanwhile, Kirk’s body bag is unzipped and everyone looks sad)
McCoy: This would have more of an impact if it weren’t inserted into the middle of a chase/fight scene. (The Tribble chooses this moment to re-animate) Ooh, the Tribble lives! Quick, let’s get this deus ex machina plot device in order and stuff Kirk’s body into a cryotube while keeping the former occupant comatose! Our worst enemy’s blood will now save our best friend’s life, oh irony of ironies!
Carol: But McCoy, he’s been dead for half an hour, wouldn’t the oxygen deprivation – ?
McCoy: Have no effect on his brain functions whatsoever! I’m a Star Trek doctor, dammit, not a Real Life doctor!
(Spock continues to chase Khan through land and air; they both jump onto a convenient flying ship)
Spock: (Lands in front of Khan) Time for my revenge.
Khan: At last, we super-strong men meet face-to-face in our final fight to the IMPASSE.
(They smack each other around a bit)
Khan: That tickles! (Bats Spock’s hand away from his neck and they slap each other some more. Khan tries his head-crushing technique, but Spock counteracts with a mind-meld. They break apart to recover)
Spock: That was disturbing.
Khan: Such a strange feeling, that I should be evil no longer…. Nope, it’s passed.
Chekov: (On the Enterprise) I cannot duplicate my miraculous transportation feat from the first movie – we’re just going to have to watch them kill each other. I’m taking bets, though.
Uhura: Never! Girl Power must come to the rescue!
(She is beamed to the battle and ignored, so she shoots Khan twice)
Khan: Cheat. And still ineffectual – I have more lives than Catwoman. (He continues to beat Spock with a wet towel; Uhura shoots him five more times) Six, seven: <All good boys go to Heaven>
Uhura: This is pointless. (She whips out a double-headed axe and prepares to chop off some limbs. With Khan’s back turned, Spock starts whaling on him)
Spock: For my love!
Uhura: Stop! We need his blood to resurrect Kirk! And I can’t stand to see you emotional over someone who isn’t me.
Khan: (Speaking through broken teeth) Oh, you just want some blood? (Spits blood) All you had to do was ask.
(They take Khan back to the Enterprise and use his blood to resurrect Kirk, who now has unsightly body hair)
Unconscious Khan: Surprise!
Kirk: (Wakes up after his birth and pivotal life moments flash before his ears; to McCoy) I was in a beautiful place, full of serenity – why on Earth did you bring me back?!
McCoy: You’re needed for at least another 30 years. Khan’s life finally did some good – as proved by the Tribble and you, we have conquered all disease, debilitation, and death! The universe is a utopia! All problems are now solved simply by making regular withdrawals from Khan and his people! We are as gods, ahahahaha!
Kirk: I think we should just ignore all those pesky ramifications of my resurrection and go back to business as usual.
McCoy: Sure, all right. (Sets aside the vials he was in the process of selling) Spock procured the blood for you, by the way.
Spock: (Pops up behind McCoy, wearing a body cast) It was no trouble. How do you feel?
Kirk: A little sore with all this rebirth. I owe you my life, now.
McCoy: You owe Uhura and me your life, too – that’s three lives you owe us, but that can be arranged.
(Khan and his 72 minions are seen frozen in their tubes)
Unconscious Khan: You and your posse better hope no one wakes me up again, Kirk. Sleep, my sweet, sleep….
(At a ceremony)
Kirk: Well, it’s been almost a year, and society as we know it hasn’t collapsed after the head of Starfleet tried to create an intergalactic war using genetically engineered human beings. Moral ambiguity fails again, and the Enterprise can now go off on its destined five-year mission to rock the galaxy.
(On the Enterprise)
Carol: I joined your crew in the hopes that none of my father’s sociopathic tendencies were passed onto me.
Kirk: That would never be a deal-breaker for me anyway, doll. (Slaps her on the behind)
Uhura: And how come I don’t get a last line?
Spock: Let us begin this mission where we should have begun: The Menagerie.
Sulu: No – The Cage!
McCoy: How about The City on the Edge of Forever?
Scotty: The Trouble With Tribbles?
Chekov: Spock’s Brain?
Kirk: I suggest: The Adventures of Captain Kirk, The Star of This Trek. I think we can all agree on that. And now, I am so moved by the ending credit sequence, I ask you to look away while I weep at its beauty.