THIS RIDICULOUS ARTICLE I WROTE ON A WHIM WAS REJECTED BY eHow PROBABLY BECAUSE IT WAS IN POOR TASTE AND ESSENTIALLY USELESS TO THE PUBLIC.
So you're having a Close Encounter... Now What?
Many people simply drone out and let the experience overwhelm them. But there is a simple protocol one should follow when face to face with an Alien.
Difficulty: Moderately Challenging
Things You'll Need:
Contrary to what we've been shown in movies and online accounts, the primary innate reaction is not giddiness or fear, but more often a sense of relief as one comes to quickly realize that all other worries become insignificant. Amazingly, it is at this first point of contact that one will usually ponder whether or not they can collect enough evidence to prove to others that the occasion is genuine. Take a deep breath and put on your sunglasses
In your best French accent, declare: "I knew you'd come. We have much to discuss." At this point your heart will feel like it's in your stomach and your body will be sit and shiver as the initial mind probing begins. Do not panic. Simply repeat the phrase in your best French accent. Now it's time to turn on the laser pointer. Aim it at the craft, or in the face of the alien.
While holding the laser steady, repeat the following (also with French accent), "So you broke your deal with the I.R.S. huh? Let me be the first to congratulate you and welcome to my humble planet." At this point the alien will probably use Element 115 to stabilize your plasma in preparation for the injection of micro-organisms and copious amounts of adrenaline inhibitors. While suspended you will feel the gag reflex start to kick in. Don't give in to it. Hold your cookies long enough and stay conscious as long as possible.
If you are subjected to physical probing read on, otherwise skip to Step 5. Anal probes. These are typically done for no other purpose than to perpetuate the fear we already have about aliens. Here's where some French sounding language can actually do more harm than good, so simply keep quiet and remember that they do it only because their boss ordered them to. They will follow up with eye probes, ear probing and beard trimming. Be patient. Although it may only be a few minutes of perceived time, it actually takes about seven hours to complete the process.
If you were lucky enough not to meet an Alien that also visited us during the Nixon Years and weren't subjected to the anal probes then all you have to look forward to is the years of ridicule and suspicion from everyone you come in contact with until the end of time. The only way to avoid this is to never publicly claim to be the survivor of an abduction. Plan on spending about 1700 hours on the couch with a licensed Psychologist as well as an unlicensed Para-psychologist. They will be of little help, but it's better than the alternative and your cat won't fully grasp the information anyways.
Tips & Warnings
Some people feel the need to bark obscenities at the E.T. This will only aggravate them and prolong the probings as they search for the roots of your particular dissonant energy spectrum. Keep the French accent going while being sure to memorize their license plates.
Do not under any circumstances believe that your abduction makes you special. It is a completely random process and if anything, you're left less for the experience. People often quit work and quit paying taxes after a close encounter, eventually losing everything to creditors. The only way to avoid these pitfalls is to do what 99% of the abducted seem to accomplish without much effort, suppress the experience into the dark recesses of your subconscious and go about your daily life as if it never happened. As if what happened?