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August 26, 2009

Like Robert Stack used to say at the beginning of Unsolved Mysteries, “Maybe you can help solve a mystery…” Actually, now that I think about it, he might have said that at the end of each episode before the credits.

Anyway, regardless of where he said the stupid line, I’m hoping this blog will help me track down an old pet cat I had in college.

I never had a pet growing up because we lived in an apartment and our landlord wouldn’t allow any animals. Because of that I decided to buy myself a pet when I was a junior at Syracuse University.

Me and my college friends lived in this old seven-bedroom party house on 511 Euclid Ave.  It was the first and only house I have ever lived in – although I hope to do so again one day – specifically, a small little secluded house in the Hollywood Hills.

Anyway, like I said, I wanted a pet, and even though I wanted a dog, I realized it would be too much responsibility, so I went with a cat. I figured a cat could take care of itself, and since I had this long, narrow, eight foot-long closet, I could stick the litter-box all the way at the end, and no one would ever smell the cat piss.

I went to some crappy pet shop in Syracuse and for like $80 bucks – which was beer and blood money back then – I bought a little, female, orange tabby that I proceeded to name Newman, after the fat foil played by Wayne Knight on Seinfeld.

I did that so I could always greet my cat with a sarcastic, “Helloooo, Newman…” everytime I saw her.

I immediately became the coolest guy on campus because of my new pet kitten. I joined a frat. I dated a sorority chick. And my professors gave me straight A’s. For the record, non of that is true, and it should be noted that I was probably seen by many as that strange “cat-guy.”

So I had Newman all the way through Senior year, and I brought her back to Maine with me when I graduated, but I couldn’t bring her to Los Angeles with me when I moved there because I had no idea where I was gonna live, or what the circumstances would be.

My original plan was for my mom to take over custody of Newman, but she had to go and die on me, so I had to come up with another solution. Fortunately, my big brother Mark was just starting a family and a cat seemed like the perfect pet.

Unfortunately, as soon as I left Maine, Newman started going nuts. I think it had something to do with the fact that she was paranoid from all the second hand pot smoke she ingested during college.  After a month of me not being around, Newman started pissing everywhere and my brother, who finds the smell of cat urine disgusting for some reason, gave Newman to my Aunt Jo.

Aunt Jo didn’t like the smell of cat piss either so she gave Newman to my cousin Stacey, who then gave Newman to some family in New Hampshire who lost their sense of smell in a car accident. That’s it. That’s all I know. And that was like nine years ago.

Right now, I feel like I’m back to that level of responsibility I once had in college where I can take on a pet. And I make enough money where I’m sure I could pay a vet to take care of that whole cat piss thing.

So please, if you have any tips or information that could lead to the rescue and return of Newman, please let me know. And even though I could just call my cousin Stacey to get this info, I’d rather use the four people who read this blog to help me track Newman down.

And remember, maybe you can help solve a mystery…