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June 21, 2017

The thing where all the innocent people were murdered? Or the one where the president got mad at the FBI?

If you believe the president, his administration is currently experiencing the greatest witch hunt in American history. That’s a bold claim, but, before we brush it aside, let’s see how the Russia investigation actually stacks up against the most notable witch hunt of American history:

Political Context


Salem: Deeply divided between two contentious parties, heavily influenced by manipulative religious factions, and involved in seemingly unending warfare with a complex web of enemy nations and tribal groups.
Russia Investigation: Same, but also Twitter and Facebook.

First Incident


Salem: A young child, believed to be possessed by a witch, spouting gibberish and acting uncontrollably.
Russia Investigation: An old man, believed to be possessed by a young child, spouting gibberish and acting uncontrollably.

Most Sensational Claim


Salem: Witches’ Coven
Russia Investigation: Troll’s Covfefe

Captive with an Unusual Name Doomed to be Thrown Under the Bus


Salem: Tituba
Russia Investigation: Reince Priebus

Alleged Signs of Evil Presence

Signs of Evil.jpg

Salem: Pinched skin, red cats, black dogs, and a white-haired man who makes you sign the devil’s book
Russia Investigation: Orange skin, Russian diplomats, glowing orbs, and the same white-haired man who makes you sign the devil’s book and his name is Steve Bannon.

Possible Explanation


Salem: Convulsive ergotism from rye bread.
Russia Investigation: Compulsive egotism from liar’s head

Were Lots of Innocent People Murdered in a Truly Tragic Case of Ruthless Scapegoating and Mass Hysteria?

Mass Hysteria.jpg

Salem: Yes
Russia Investigation: No

Was it Just an Impetuous Leader Who Continues to Make a Bad Situation Worse by Suspiciously Trying to Block an Investigation into a Credible Threat Surrounding His Administration and Then Straight Up Admitting to It?


Salem: No
Russia Investigation: Yes